Jenny from the Infertility Block

The luckiest girl on the block

2009-01-07T18:00:00.001-05:00

Let's get the excuses out of the way...

I lost my writing mojo, plain and simple. I wanted to continue blogging about infertility but 6 months into life with Livy, it was no longer at the front of my brain. I should have continued to post updates, even if they were mind numbingly boring updates about poop and pee, but after a while I couldn't find anything worthy to write after not writing for so long. I'll be honest and say that I hate it when a blogger falls into oblivian so I'm pretty embarrassed that I did it. It is not fair to ask people for support and kindness, and then just drop out of there lives. The best way to put it is to simply say that I am sorry.

Before I give you a proper update, I must give a quick warning. One of the reasons I found writing so difficult is that I didn't want to gush on about the joys of motherhood while so many of you are still working towards that goal. The rest of this post is going to be 90% gushing so if that's not what your in the mood for, you might want to stop reading.

Life with Livy is heaven. If I were to describe my dream child before I had her, I am sure the description would have been exactly as Olivia is. There is so much to say about her that I don't know where to start. Let's start with her physical being. She is a total peanut and there are few parents that don't envy the use I get out of clothes or the lack of backache when I carry her. At almost 21months, she only weighs 21lb. Despite that, she is as healthy and as strong as can be. She has hit most of her milestones right on schedule and has never (knock on a big ass piece of wood) given me any health scares worse than a snotty nose. She has a smile that can brighten the worst day and hearing her little "I love YOUUUUUUU" is the sweetest sound my ears have ever heard. The easiest thing to do is a picture update so I'll do that a little further down the page.

As for me, 2008 had it's trials...

I lost two of my best friends in '08. First, I lost my Grandma one year ago. She was one of the few people in my life who loved me unconditionally and I miss her terribly. My only comfort is that she did get to meet her only Great-Grandchild and that Olivia brought her joy in the final year of her life. I also lost my very best friend in the world, my Hercules. Losing Hercules to cancer in May was devastating. It all happened so fast that it still feels unreal. Grandma and Hercules loved each other so all I can do is hope that somewhere Grandma is giving him a belly rub and he's giving her some of his famous furry kisses.

Grandma and Hercules

I went back to work at the end of April. It killed me. The year I had off with Olivia was the best year of my life. The domestic goddess crown fit my head well and I miss baking homemade muffins as much as my husband misses eating them. I was lucky enough to negotiate coming back 4 days per week which is the only thing that made my return bearable. We made the best arrangements we could. My husband stays home with Olivia on Monday, his parents come to spend the day with her on Tuesday, she goes to day-care Weds-Thurs and has mommy day on Friday. As much as I hate working, I know that we are lucky to have flexability with our schedules.

I've gotten involved with our local YMCA. I joined there running group and have since becoming an addict. I went from being someone who got a side stitch if I tried to run down the block to running a 10km race in 1hr! The running helped me shed the last of the baby weight so quickly that I kick myself for not starting sooner. I am a true testament to the old "If I can do it, anybody can do it". I also started volunteering at the Y as a group instructor. I teach both step aerobics and an ab's conditioning class. My dream would be to eventually work in the health and fitness field so I think volunteering is a good first step.

As for infertility, we took once last ride on that coaster. We decided to give our last two frozen embryo's a try this past November. Just pressing the elevator button to go to the 9th floor was enough to send me into a panic attack. All of the old hopes and fears returned, although I can say that for me, secondary infertility is certainly the lessor of two evils. The cycle had it's ups and downs, almost getting cancelled after I ovulated about 6 days later than normal but we managed to continue with a non-medicated cycle (same as with Olivia). After the thaw, we were left with one super strong embryo to transfer. I stayed pretty mellow during the last 2 week wait of my life (we had decided that this was it - it either works or it doesn't). I am not sure how we became the luckiest people on earth but it worked. Today I am 8 weeks pregnant and I am due August 20. We beat the staggering odds and have gotten two pregnancies out of a single IVF cycle.

So that is it. The journey is complete. We never take for granted how unbelievably lucky we are. I never use the word blessed because I refuse to believe that there is any reason we would be blessed and others would not so I believe it is luck...and an amazing team of doctors and scientists.

Despite my absence from the blog world. I continue to support the world of infertility anyway possible. We are always honest and up-front about how we got pregnant in hopes that our story might help others. If you live in Ontario, you have until January 12 to fill out this survey and have your say...
http://www.gov.on.ca/children/English/infertilityAdoption/index.html. You also need to go to http://www.iaac.ca/my-story/ to tell your story. The Ontario government is actually getting serious about infertility and I'm doing everything I can to make my voice heard. Please do the same.

I'll conclude with the picture update. Enjoy the sweetness that is Miss Olivia.

First Halloween (where we left off)

Livy and my darling Hercules

First Visit with Santa

11 months old

First Birthday (like you couldn't read the hat)

Looking cute in the Acores (our big family trip this summer)

Fall fun

Happy Girls

Fairy Princess

Second Christmas (Same Santa, bigger girl)

I'll be honest and say that I'm not sure if I'll continue to update. I'm not going to make promises that I won't keep. I will tell you that I am a ridiculous facebook addict so if you know me well enough to know my name, please look me up (just make sure to tell me how we know each other because I don't accept anyone I don't know).

I wish nothing but the best for all of you. I hope that your every dream comes true.

p.s. - I've been checking all your blogs and I am gobsmacked by how many of us are pregnant for the second time (or have already had a second). It looks like I'm not the only luck one out there.

The Others

2007-10-30T20:52:00.000-04:00

When I look at Olivia, there is no doubt in my mind that she is my dream come true. My favorite song to sing to her is "It Had to Be You" (I don't know all the words but I make them up). It is these thoughts that leads me to think about the others.

In the creation of my dream come true, there were five dreams that didn't make it. Five 8 celled wonders who could have been upstairs sleeping, just like my dear Olivia. I can't help but wonder...how many were girls...how many were boys...would they have looked like there daddy or did they look like me...what would there personalities have been?

It is not a thought that depresses or consumes me. Just one that tugs on my heart when I get to thinking that I can't imagine Olivia being anybody other than who she is.

There are two who are left. The same questions enter my mind. Do either of them look like Olivia? They are her twins, her frozen genetic twins. I hope that some day we get to meet one (or both) of them. If not, like the other five, they will live forever in my heart. Whispers of love that I never met or held, but who's picture I saw briefly as I hoped for their existence.

Thank you Olivia for being who you are, it had to be you....but who were the others?

Insult to Injury

2007-10-24T12:51:00.000-04:00

Guess what came for me in the mail?

A Tax Audit.

Why, you may ask?

Because I claimed $9,857.22 in medical expenses for 2006.

I guess that is my thank you for paying out of pocket for my IVF?

You know, because I don't have enough to do with a 6 month old. I've got all the time in the world to dig out reciepts.

Just as an FYI, in Canada, IVF is not covered AT ALL...but you can claim the expenses on your tax return and get credit for about 16% of the cost.

Half Way

2007-10-15T14:20:00.000-04:00

Olivia is 6 months old today. 100% mind blowing.

I recently read a quote that makes so much more sense then people saying "the time goes by so fast"...."The days are long, but the years are short". It is months in this case, but you get the idea.

Olivia is amazing. I haven't told you enough about her so here goes...

Olivia is kinda small. At 6 months she still only weighs 14lb7oz and is 24 inches long. The doc says she's fine because her height/weight/noggin ratio's are all the same so it appears that she is just a petite girl. It sure saves alot of cash on clothes. She's still rocking some of her 0-3 stuff. We get alot of comments on her amazing strength. I don't think it is because she is the Popeye of babies, she just looks 3 months old.

As for doing shit, the last month has been unreal. Not only has she perfected the roll over, but she's got a mean backwards crawl. She's gearing up to move forwards but so far she just rocks back and forth, I don't think she has the balance to move her hands yet. The noises she makes are hilarious. Squealing, screeching, raspberries, babbles and occasional giggles. The giggles are the best, if I could bottle them I'd sell them for 1 gazillion dollars.

My girl is a boob girl. I started her on cereal last week but she's not too sure about it. She'd rather just play with the spoon. Breast feeding has gone really well. Up until last week, she has had nothing but the boob. We had a few rough spots when the first two teeth came in (at 4 months!!!) but we got through it. I'll probably breast feed her until I have to go back to work next April.

Olivia is one busy baby. Monday's we have swimming lessons at the Y. Tuesdays, is either Mother Goose (story time) or baby sign language. Thursdays we have our well baby clinic and Friday's are baby massage days. Since about August, we go out everyday. O likes her adventures and if we just sit around all day, she gets pissy about it.

As for sleeping, change is the name of the game. I spent the first month sleeping on the couch with her on my chest. Anything else resulted in extreme screaming. After that, we resorted to co sleeping in our bed. Once I finally gave up on the crib, I bought an arms reach co-sle&per (if you breast feed, I highly recommend it). She started out by sleeping from about 1am to 7am. Then we progressed to my favorite stage which was midnight to 10am. Somewhere around four months we got her to a more respectable 9pm to 8am schedule. From about 3 months to 4 months she would sleep for 6-7 hours without needing to be fed. It was heaven. Now she's on the boob about every 3-4 hours throughout the night. That is where the co-sleeper is a god sent. I just pull her into bed, pop the boob in her mouth and slide her back when she's done. If you had asked me 6 months ago, I'd tell you that babies should sleep in cribs. Ha, if I only knew then what I know now. My only sleep theory is that you do what works for you, I do what works for me.

I cannot imagine Olivia being anybody other than who she is. She is the baby I had always dreamed of. No one has ever had a hold of my heart the way she does. A single tear can break it, a single smile sets it soaring.

Here is the last 6 months in pictures.

Day 1

One Month

Two Months

Three Months

Four Months

Five Months

Six Months (Today!!!)

(why the tam? Better question is why not!)

and a special treat for those of you who like grainy video's of jolly jumping...

Twice as good

2007-10-01T21:50:00.000-04:00

Today is my second wedding anniversary. Two years ago I had just had my HSG (2 days before my wedding). One year ago I was 3 months pregnant. This year, we took our baby with us for diner. Seeing my husband with our daughter makes me love him even more.

Yesterday was also a special day. It was Olivia's baptism day. As I stood at the front of the church, I just kept repeating to myself "this is MY DAUGHTER'S baptism". It was sureal. When I look at that beautiful baby, it never fails to amaze me that she is my baby. I love her as much as one person can love another.

I cannot ask for anything more than I have.

Not the girl I used to be

2007-09-19T22:25:00.000-04:00

One of my favorite blogs is "And I Wasted All that Birth Control". One of Celily's recent posts helped me understand why it's been so hard for me to blog lately. Don't mind me while I quote her: "Most people, I think, write best from a position of pain or anger--and that's certainly true for me. When I'm in agony, I get very sharp and funny and focused because that's how I cope. But lately, my life is really, really good--so it's very easy to either focus on the small things or bigger things that aren't earth shattering". She is 100% right. My writing is shit now that I am such a happy. I'm not complaining though, I'll take happy over being interesting.

I have tried to stay true to this being an infertility blog but that means that I am posting less and less often. What I really want to write about is how much I love being a mom and the fact that I may just have the worlds most amazing baby ever. So that's what I am going to do. Olivia is 5 months old now and I would imagine that anyone who still comes around this stale ass blog is expecting me to turn into a sappy mom anyday now. It's happened. You've been warned.

I'll just give you a picture for this post but the next one is going to be all about the amazing shit my girl does. I'm sure it will bore the hell out of you but I just gotta be me...happy...something I wasn't sure I'd ever be.

p.s. I was actually quite surprised that my last post caused such controversy. When I re-read it through other people's eye's, I understand why some people were upset by it.

You gotta want'em

2007-08-31T20:15:00.000-04:00

This past weekend I was at a festival in my home town. It's a bit like a homecoming type thing. It gives you a chance to see who's gotten married, who's gotten fat and who still hasn't grown up.

I didn't care that I was in the "fat" category this year because it was finally my time to shine. This year it was me that had the baby stroller. I don't know who was more proud, me or my dad. The two of us strutted around like a couple of peacocks with feathers named Olivia. The more we strutted, the more I noticed the drooped shoulders and weary faces of my high school classmates. They were dragging 2, 3 even 4 kids along with them and couldn't have looked more miserable if they wanted to.

It made me appreciate our struggle. If it had been easy, would I have as much patience for her as I do? Would I stare at her for hours on end? Would the endless puke and diapers bother me?

If they knew what we went through, they might feel sorry for me. Their pity would be wasted, because it is me who feels sorry for them. I don't think they appreciate their children as much as those of us who fight for them. We all love our children, but I think that infertility gives us the inside track on really appreciating our kids.

Infertility sucks but if it means that I know exactly how lucky I am, then it was worth it.

Can't have to many posts without pics. This is Olivia's first trip to Canada's Wonderland (amusement park). It looks like the swan is smiling at her.

This is my girl on her very first ride.

of course the date on the pictures is wrong

Ugly on the inside

2007-08-16T22:20:00.000-04:00

I wish I could tell you that the pain of infertility disappears when you have a baby in your arms, but for me it hasn't. It is much less intense, but it is far from gone.

Tonight my hubbie's best friend came over and told us that his wife is 10weeks pg. While on the outside, I was beaming and congratulatory...on the inside I felt the usual flames of jealousy burning. Their baby is due next March which puts her pregnancy about the same time frame I was last year. He mentioned maternity clothes and I offered mine up without even thinking. Before I had time to regret it, I grabbed my plastic tote and dug out whatever didn't have stains (sans Christmas top, I'll treasure it forever).

I had no intentions of getting rid of my maternity clothes. I'm not sure why I did. I really should just say fuck it because if I get pg again, I get a new wardrobe and if not, then I don't have the pain of having to get rid of the maternity clothes. Even so, I want them back. I want a reason to want them back.

Secondary infertility is a totally different feeling. It is not the all consuming fear/hope combo that infertility was. It is a buried demon that can be ignored most of the time but it still stops me from truly just being happy for someone else's pregnancy. I'll even admit that I have a hard time looking at the belly pictures some of my infertility sisters post. I want it again. The belly, the kicking, the comfy pants, christ - I 'll even tolerate belly rubbing if I can do it all over again.

It's the little things that get me. Do I pack up her newborn clothes or sell them? Do I make space to store things she outgrows or get my money back while I can? Do I spare myself the hurt of selling this stuff later when I know I am truly done or risk having to buy it all over again? Like always, there are no easy answers. The questions just aren't as painful as they used to be.

p.s. - yesterday was Olivia's 4month birthday. Jesus, can somebody please slow down time? Her big accomplishments this month are the end of the witching hour and a complete refusal to lay back like a baby (bath time is so fun with a baby that refuses to lay back). There isn't a day that goes by that I don't look at her and pray nobody pinches me.

A little help for my B-Day?

2007-08-12T20:09:00.000-04:00

Today is my b-day. How is it that one day your 22 and the next, your 32. Your 30's seem to creep up on you. Instead of saying happy b-day, I'd like you to help me with my ipod song list. My current list of tunes is shit. I have a shuffle so it's imperative that I have a good list.

I was born in 75 (in case you have problems with math) so I like old school pop, 90's dance (think DJ Easy Rock and Rob Base) and rock from pretty much every era. Help me! I need some good suggestions. My stepson was playing guitar hero and when I heard the Toadies tune "Possum Kingdom" I thought, that's the kind of shit I want on my ipod. I'm looking for 60-100 songs so don't be shy.

The cottage was great. Olivia is a gotdamn supastar. At first, going out with her was really hard. She hated to breast feed away from home and was picky about her naps. I didn't give up though, we just kept on doing our thing. Once the magic 3 month mark hit, it all got so much easier. Now I just whip out the boobie wherever we are and she's happy. She didn't seem to care that nap time was screwed or that she was sleeping in a different place. I've got a few funny pics from the cottage so I guess this is another picture post.

This boat is for 18-36 months but since you can't use sunscreen on a baby until they are 6months, I improvised by sitting her at the back and not putting her legs through the holes (and holding onto her). She loved it.

This picture is just too much. Olivia is with her brother from another mother (the kids and I think it's effing hilarious to say that, we are so mature).

She is not the shy type at all but I love how this pictures makes her look like she is. If there is one word I would use to describe her it would be determination. She is determined to be a big girl, enough of this baby shit.

I'm off to have a birthday waffle sundae from Dairy Q@een. Diet starts tomorrow.

Alive

2007-08-03T22:10:00.000-04:00

I've been a very bad blogger. Almost a month without a post. It seems the longer you go without posting, the harder it is because there is so much to talk about. Where do I start? This will probably be just one big crappy disorganized update (where I will reward you for reading it with pictures).

First off - postpartum. I'm going to get gross on you right away. I have two lingering effects of pregnancy (o.k., well, not counting the extra 25lbs). The first is that my joints kill me. When I wake up in the morning I feel like I am an 90yr old arthritic woman. Everything hurts, especially my feet. I get back aches now and I've never had a back ache in my life. The second is gross - it's a fissure...in my ass. Lovely. If you don't know what that is, I'll save you the google. It's a cut...that re-opens everytime I take a crap. Because it hasn't healed yet, I have to go for a scope. Yippee, the fun never stops.

On to more pleasant things. Olivia. She is an angel. I am firmly convinced that she is the most delicious baby in the entire world. The witching hour is gone! Oh how lovely life can be. The first three months are hard but something magically happens after that and what used to be a baby, starts to become a little person. Right now she is amazed by her body. She sticks her tongue out, touches her feet, sucks her lower lip, basically plays with herself nonstop. A little like her mom I guess.

Breast feeding is going really well. I've been really lucky in this department. She's had nothing but breast milk so far and I haven't had any pain or problems. I'm probably going to feed her until she's close to a year if all continues to go well. She is growing kinda slow (still only 11lb14oz as of today) but she's hitting all her milestones so we are just assuming she is a small baby. The 0-3 clothes still fit which is a blessing and a curse - I've got a shit load of summer clothes that aren't going to fit her until winter. Thank god for consignment stores.

Infertility. It's something I try pretty hard not to think about, although that's easier said then done. I would love to have another baby and rarely a day goes by that I don't think about the frosties. I still feel that pang when I see a pregnant woman, although it's much easier to be happy for her then it used to be. I want to do a whole big post about secondary infertility but it's hard to get those feelings down in a way that makes sense.

We are heading off to the cottage so I can't check up on everybody. Hopefully some of you will have some good news for me to read when I get back.

Body Image Part II

2007-07-04T11:50:00.000-04:00

I'm a little pissed at myself for not enjoying my pregnant body a bit more. When I look back at the pictures I think I look kinda cute, but it didn't feel that way at the time. I put on almost 60lbs with the pregnancy. That's alot, especially when the baby only weighed 6lb110z.

I lost about 25lbs in the first two weeks after I had her. Damn, if I had only put on 25lbs I'd be back in my old jeans now. The most frustrating part of the weight gain is that I didn't get fat on pop and chips, I got fat on fruit and whole grain. I ate alot, but I ate healthy. Now that I'm breast feeding, I can't change that. I'm more concerned about eating healthy than losing weight.

I rejoined weight watchers but I'm just not into this time. I've got lifetime membership so I don't get penalized for missing a meeting and sometimes I just can't be bothered. The morning meeting is all a bunch of blue hairs trying to get back into clothes that fit them in there 60's. Really, when I'm 70 - fuck it, I'll wear a moomoo and be happy about it. If I want to hear a bunch of women coo over Olivia I go, but really, that's my only motivation.

As for exercise, I'm trying. I put her in her carrier and walk 30-60min a day. We bought bikes and I try to go for a 30 min ride every other day. I'd like to get back to working with weights but I just can't let her scream while I work out. She likes to be held, and I like to hold her.

The one thing I am not doing is wearing my maternity clothes. There are two reason for this. One, is pride. The second is that they are all winter clothes and it's a little to warm for sweaters and jeans. Instead, I bought fat clothes at Walmart. They seem to have an abundance of pants with elastic waist bands.

When somebody tells me that I don't even look like I've had a baby I try to just smile and say thanks. I know it's just a thing you say to postpartum women, like asking the gas station attendant if he ordered this weather when it's raining.

As I come up to Olivia's 3month bday (ALREADY?!?!?!?) I realize my goal of being in my old jeans by her 6month bday may have been a little aggressive. As long as I don't have to buy a new wardrobe to go back to work next year, I think that will do.

For once in my life I'm trying not to be so hard on myself. Having someone else to put my energy into helps with that. If my body isn't satisfing me, at least it is satisfying her.

I've been replaced

2007-06-29T13:40:00.000-04:00

by a thumb.

On Monday, Olivia was introduced to her thumb and a mild crush developed. Just five short days later it has turned into a wild passionate love affair that not even the steamiest soap opera could compete with. It makes her moan and groan with pleasure. She loves her right thumb so much (the left thumb doesn't hold a candle to the right) that I'm having a hard time convincing her my boob has any use in her life. She'll be in the middle of feeding when she'll pull off and stick her thumb in her mouth like an old lover flaunting her new flame. It's all I can do to convince her that good ole'nipple still has the stuff she needs.

I'm sure she'll hate me for this some day...evidence of the thumb love affair

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Speaking of good ole'nipple, I had a laugh yesterday. I was at a park visiting a friend when Miss Olivia decided it was chow time. I discreetly pulled my boob out of my nursing bra/breast feeding top while relaxing on a park bench. She had just started to latch on when a woman walked past and shield her eye's with her hand. WTF is that? Who does that? I wasn't embarrassed for myself, I was embarrassed for her. Does she feel so compelled to stare at my boob that she must raise her hand to her eye's to prevent herself from looking? Is the tiny little bit of boob that she can see so offensive to her that it requires a set of horse blinders? I'd love to be one of those women that slings a blankie over there shoulder to shield the eye's of the innocent but my daughter will have none of that. It takes her about 2 seconds to rip the blanket off. She hates it. She wants to see her mom while she's eating instead of being suffocated by a blanket in the stifling heat of the summer. If Olivia hadn't been busy eating I would have chased her down and beat her with my floppy boob.

The Fear of Happiness

2007-06-22T15:15:00.000-04:00

My 24yr old brother was over on father's day. He's recently moved to the city, he is working for our other brother and he has met a girl that is so amazing, he dares to say she might be "the one". He told me that his life is so good right now that he is scared of what's around the corner. This is despite the fact that he flipped his car (totalling it, he was fine) 7 weeks ago and has to ride a bike everywhere. That girl must really be something.

I've got a girl in my life that makes me feel the same way. For once in my life I do not covet what others have. I am not promising myself that I'll be happy when ....(insert thing I am coveting). I do not want anyone else's life. I want mine, I love mine, I am so happy.... and it scares the shit out of me.

When I look at Olivia, I cannot believe she is real. Did we really do IVF? Was I actually pregnant for 9 months? Did I really deliver the most perfect creature I have ever seen? Is this beauty sleeping on my chest really my girl? I've dreamed of this baby since I was a baby myself. To have her here in my arms is truly a dream come true. A dream I never want to wake up from. I couldn't have asked for anything more than I have.

When life is kicking me in the ass, it sucks, but I feel in control. I know what the problem is and I deal with it. When things are good, I'm scared. I can't control happiness, I can't make it stay. All I can do is enjoy it and pray that when the other shoe drops, it doesn't drop very far.

So that is what I do. I enjoy every damn moment of perfection...even the witching hour...even poops that go all the way up the back...even throw-up in my hair, but especially baby coos, especially the way I can calm her down better than anybody else, especially the smell of the top of her head and especially this...

baby smiles are the sweetest thing in the entire world. I may fear happiness, but I will enjoy it none the less.

A special day for Grandpa

2007-06-17T22:10:00.000-04:00

Today was a special day for my husband, but even more so for my dad. This is my husbands 14th father's day as a father. It was my dad's first father's day as a Grandpa. When he opened the card from Olivia, I could see him blinking back tears.

We were lucky to have hubbie's three kids for the day. They made him homemade chocolate chocolate pretzels, his favorite treat. Olivia made him a mustard cake, not as tasty, but made with just as much love.

I don't think this day is quite as hard as mother's day, although any reminder of what you continue to wait for is difficult. For all of you with men in your lives who are waiting, I hope that next father's day can be celebrated with a baby in your arms.

Here's a picture that should make you smile...an alternate use for the bumbo seat

My favorite picture of hubbie with Olivia

My dad with Olivia 2 days after she was born (whoops, didn't take any pictures today, too busy bbq'ing)

Like a Virgin

2007-06-14T20:30:00.000-04:00

It's been so long since I've posted I almost feel like a blog virgin. I've got 100 posts in my head but my dear little sweetie HATES the computer. She can be happy as can be and the minute I sit down to do a real post, she screams. I've got about 10 posts in draft that have no more than a title and a paragraph. If I'm going to keep this up, posts might have to get a bit shorter.

But that's not really what I'm talking about. I'm talking about real virginity. It has been FOUR months since hubbie and I have had sex. That's a long damn time. I feel like a virgin all over again. I'm scared it will hurt and wonder if either of us will enjoy it. He's starting to make those come hither eye's at me so I know it won't be much longer now. I'm trembling like a school girl on prom night (do girls even wait that long these days?).

I had my final check up with my OB today. He said that I've healed up nicely and gave me the go-ahead for a little lovin. He did warn me that I could be a bit dusty down there because of breast feeding so lube might be a good idea. Thanks, that helps my anxiety.

Of course, the visit today brought up some old feelings of infertility. First, the birth control discussion and the fact that he really doubts it necessary (although stranger things have apparently happened). Then there was the good-bye. Will I ever see him again? Then the pang of jealousy as I left and saw the pg girls in the waiting room. Why the hell am I jealous, I was sitting in that same chair pg 9 weeks ago. There is a lingering feeling in the bottom of my heart that knows I would really like one more.

Then there is sex. Sex makes me feel infertile. The most I have ever enjoyed sex was when we were TTC and actually thought that would get me pg. Once we learned it wasn't, we when on a bit of a sexual hiatus. I have to get back to having sex for the pure pleasure of it. Oh, my life is so hard....hopefully my life isn't the only thing that's hard.

(It's Olivia's 2mnth b-day already tomorrow, hopefully I get some time for a mushy post with lots of pics)

OH YEAH, I almost forgot - diner with the ex. Believe it or not, it went quite well. I didn't even mind her holding Olivia. Mostly because she said how pretty she is and then said she looks so much like me (does that mean she called me pretty, mwahahaha). The cherry on top was that her boyfriend (the kid's stepdad) didn't have the balls to be there. I'm pretty sure he was just sitting at the coffee shop around the corner waiting for us to leave because he called during diner. When we sat down to eat, the ex had a choice between sitting beside me or hubbie - she choose me, I appreciated it. I think we are at a point where we can be quite cival for the kids. That being said, there will be no diner this Friday. I'm nice, not crazy.

p.s. - I was going to put breast milk in the pie I made for diner but because you all praised me for being so mature I didn't. You rotten buggers spoiled my fun.

Look who's coming to diner

2007-05-30T11:30:00.000-04:00

We are having diner at my husband's ex wife's house on Friday night.

Holy Fuck!

To say that it is weird and awkward is an understatement. I'll back up and let you know how it happened.

A few weeks ago I promised my SD (the 13yr old) that we would bring Olivia to pick them up (they live 1hr15min away) so her friends could meet her. She reminded her dad on Monday and asked if we would stay for diner when we come. He was kinda shocked and didn't know what to say so he told her he'd check with me to make sure we didn't already have plans. When he told me, you could have scraped my jaw off the floor - their house? With their mom and her boyfriend (my husband's ex-best friend). Ummm, uhhh, hmmm, shit.

Yesterday we talked about it and both came to the conclusion that we have to go. His kids are way to old to be making bullshit excuses. I almost wonder if the idea for diner came from there mom. She must be curious to meet Olivia, she is the sister to her three children. But still, I'd rather eat a turd sandwich for diner than have diner in his ex-wife's house.

The way I deal with his ex is avoidance. We don't hate each other, in fact, on the surface we get along just fine. The difficulty comes in that I think I intimidate her (she always rambles on like a dumb fuck around me) and I am too sensitive to the little things she says to get under my skin. I swear, if she makes any comments about being Olivia's step mom, I'll be sure to tell her where to send the child support cheque. I can't stand the thought of seeing her hold my daughter, it makes me want to wretch. The only thing that gets me through is knowing that between me, my husband, his ex and her boyfriend - I am the least uncomfortable. The three of them have a sorted long story past which I have no part in so I feel much less tension then the three of them do.

You still might wonder why we are going? Honestly, because we have to. It's what's fair to his children. This past thanksgiving I had a diner that included both my mom/grandma and my dad/girlfriend. I didn't care what my mom or dad's girlfriend thought of each other, I wanted my entire family to sit down to diner and that's what they did. How can I not do the same for my stepchildren? They want their sister to have diner at there house and that's what will happen.

If nothing else, life is interesting.

The right time

2007-05-27T23:50:00.000-04:00

I have always felt like I was born at the exact right time. Infertility and pregnancy have confirmed it.

ICSI was invented 15 years ago. Without it, there would have been no hope for us. No Olivia.

The maternity leave time frame was increased from 6 months to 1 year in Canada five or six years ago. This alone makes the winters bearable.

It has been legal for women to bare there breasts in public in Ontario for about 10yrs. This leaves no question as to whether or not I can breast feed publicly. Hell, I can mow the lawn with my shirt off if I want (if I wasn't scared that I'd mow over my boobs). Very few women use the law literally but it's a big step for equality. If I gotta see some hairy back fat bastard with his shirt off, I should have every right to let my girls hang.

Then there is the stuff. Ohhhhh the stuff! My husband is gobsmacked at how much shit has been invented in the 11yrs since he last had a baby. Everything from bumbo to itzbeen to this fabulous wrap I'm wearing (which is allowing me to type with two hands while holding my baby). At first he was a little disgusted and thought it was all just commercialism bullshit but he's been converted. Commercialism or not, alot of these inventions are making our lives alot easier. Basic things like a nursery not smelling like you've been slapped with a diaper thanks to the genie.

Something about this girl of mine has got me thanking my lucky stars in every direction I look. I can only hope that her future is as bright as mine has been.

Here is my fab new pouch sling...

Sorry, no face. I'm having some body image issue's that start with the lingering fat face. Look at the giantic knockers though, no wonder I had to do a whole post about them.

p.s. I start back to WW this week, expect much weight loss talk in the future. I'm hoping that getting my two hands back (thanks to the sling) means a bit more pc time so I can catch up on everybody and post a bit more often.

The sling was handmade by a fabulous stay at home mom and she will ship worldwide. Her website is sewfunky.

Boobies, not just for breakfast

2007-05-23T22:34:00.000-04:00

My modest b-cups increased to a c-cup almost instantly with the appearance of two pinks lines. Midway through the 2nd trimester, the d-cup was calling my name. My breast feeding boobs, a mighty double D. That's a tag I never thought I'd see on a bra of mine.

I was lucky that my colostrum came in weeks before I gave birth so I was able to breast feed Olivia within minutes of her birth. She was a champ (I call her boobie champ, she's going to hate me for that some day) from the beginning. She had a great latch and a strong little jaw. It was me that needed to learn. She was so tiny next to my gigantic boob, I was scared I was going to suffocate her.

I was only in the hospital for 24hrs before being discharged and that first feeding at home caused quite a few tears. She went 6hrs before I could get her to latch on properly. I think I cried even more tears of relief when she finally did feed. She did the same thing the next day, went 6hrs without a proper latch. Besides leaving her hungry and me frustrated, it beat the shit out of my nipples. Both of them were left with nasty blood blisters that caused a fair amount of pain for a week or so.

About 72hrs after giving birth my milk came in. Nobody had told me that my boobs would turn into rocks in a matter of hours. They must have weighed at least 10lb each and felt like they were stuffed with hard boiled eggs. For the first 48hrs after my milk came in, she would only latch on the right. My poor left boob just kept getting bigger, harder and so effing sore. I finally broke down and rented a hospital pump. One pump and she took the left, I think it had just gotten to hard for her. Since I had the pump for 10 days, I pumped a bit each day to store in the freezer. If anybody wants a boobie juice blender drink, come on over.

My gigantic boobs could probably feed a set of triplets. Sometimes I feel bad for my poor girl - she'll pull off because she's choking a bit and I'll see my boob spraying milk in about 5 different directions. I know that too much milk is better than not enough but still, a happy medium would be nice.

The longer I do this, the smarter my boobs get. She still likes the right one better so when I feed on the right, the left one leaks like crazy. When she does latch on the left, the right one doesn't leak cause I guess it knows it's going to get drained soon anyway. Who knew boobs were smart? Kinda makes me wonder what's wrong with Pamela And@erson?

I'm hoping things keep going well because I'd like to breast feed her for at least the first 6 months. We'll see what happens once the teeth come in. So far I'm pretty happy with breast feeding. I never really liked my boobs or cared for them in a sexual manner so it's nice that they finally have a purpose.

To reward you for having to read so much crap about my boobs, the most beautiful smile I've ever seen...

One Month?

2007-05-15T18:10:00.000-04:00

How can one month go by so quickly? Happy Birthday my beautiful doll...

Angel Face (look ma, bathtime won't be my undoing)

Angry Face (why I hope you'll forgive me if it takes a while to update sometimes)

I have longer post is in draft but recent crying jags make it difficult to get to the computer for anything longer than a quick update.

How am I doing?

2007-05-09T16:40:00.000-04:00

How I am doing has changed alot from 3&1/2 weeks ago to now. Let's see what I can remember.

The first 72hrs was a bitch. Going into labour at 9pm meant that by the time I went to sleep the next night, I had been up for 40 hrs. That's a feat I don't think I even managed in my teen years. The first night I got 2hrs sleep. The next two nights I got 4hrs sleep. The strangest thing was the amount of energy I had. I am positive that a woman's body surges with adrenaline after having a baby because there was something keeping me going on an amount of sleep that would normally send me to a mental institution. Even when I would lay down, I had a really hard time falling asleep (which just pissed me off). By the forth day we had given into co-sleeping and now I get 6-8hrs a night (in 2-3hr increments) which is more than enough to survive on.

As for my epesotomy, I think I'm pretty much healed. I still have to make sure not to slam down when I sit but other than that, I think I'm alright. It took a solid week before it didn't hurt anymore and another week before I started to feel "normal" when I walked. The stitches have dissolved and I'll be glad to have my 6 week check up to see what my OB has to say about it.

The swelling in my feet took 5 days to disappear. I was surprised how much the swelling hurt, my feet were so puffy that every step was painful. I went for my first walk on day 4 and although it was slow, I think it was the best thing for me and helped the swelling go down. If you ever have swelling in your girly region, here is a helpful tip - soak a maxi pad in water and put it in the freezer - it's the perfect shape/size and as it melts, the pad absorbs the water. The things I've learned!

Now the awful topic - weight. I put on a grand total of 55lbs during the pregnancy. Only about 20 more than I had hoped I would put on. So far I have lost 25lbs. So that means 30lbs to go. Shit! Breast feeding is helping and I've started working out very slowly (15 min a day plus a walk). In another 3 weeks I'm going to start back to weight watchers to do the breast feeding plan. I'm hoping that by Olivia's 6month b-day I'm back into my old jeans. Anybody have some fat shorts I can borrow from now until then?

As for postpartum blues, I've had a bit but nothing too bad. There are two things that make me cry. Watching baby story on TLC*. Seeing other people's deliveries used to scare the shit out of me, now it turns me into a bawling mess. The other thing is the sting of infertility. I'll save this topic for another day but for now let's just say that I feel like I've immediately landed in the secondary infertility camp because I'm positive I want another one.

Overall, I'm doing great. I am trying to soak in every second. This is the time I have waited for since I was a little girl and I'm not going to let sleep deprivation, infertility or a few stitches rob me of the joy that my sweet Olivia brings.

How she's doing

2007-05-05T10:00:00.000-04:00

Alot of my friends told me that the first 30 days is hell. I'm 20 days in now (is she that old already?) and although it hasn't been easy, I wouldn't call it hell. I can only assume that people look back on this time as hellish because it gets so much better. I wouldn't trade this time for anything. I'm eating up every second...sleeping, eating or screaming. Here's a few details of how she's doing so far.

The first day we brought her home she went 6hrs without latching and scared the crap out of me, I was ready to go back to the hospital because I was sure I wouldn't be able to breast feed on my own. She did the same thing again the next day. Trying to get a baby to latch unsuccessfully for 6hrs leaves you with some pretty nasty chewed up nipples. On the third day she was much better about eating but went 36hrs without a poop (12hrs is cause for concern). My girl was determined to scare the shit out of her new mom. By the forth day my milk had come in and she had pooped. The only problem now is that she wouldn't latch onto the left breast. By day five I was going to explode so I rented a hospital pump. One pump and she was a breast feeding champ! It's been pretty much all good since then.

It took Olivia five days to figure out that a diaper change would not kill her. Up until then she screamed bloody murder as soon as we ripped the tape on those expensive crap holders. It took her until yesterday (day 19) to figure out that a bath will not kill her. I think my girl is finally getting used to being naked (is that a good thing?).

I am doing something I never thought I would - co sleeping. My girl hasn't even attempted the crib other than to set her down while I get my bra back on. If she's super fussy we sleep on the couch with her on my chest. If she's mellow, she sleeps in a co-sleeper in between us in bed. I'm hoping to graduate to a bassinet in the next week or so. I'm sure we'll get to the crib before her 18th birthday. For now, she's happy, we are happy and we are all getting a bit of sleep.

Some people say that there baby only cries when hungry. Well, I'm not quite so lucky. My girl doesn't like to poop, burp or fart - all of which cause some tears. There are other times where she is pitching a fit for no apparent reason. All I can do is hold her and love her (and let her pull my hair), eventually she mellows. I am blessed by the fact that she seems to understand nighttime. During the day she likes to eat every 2hrs but at night she'll go as long as 5hrs. I am sure this could change at any time so I'll enjoy it while I've got it.

She weighed in at 7lb9oz 2 days ago (was 6lb11oz at birth). My baby is growing up so fast. Hell or not, I'd give anything to freeze this time and be in my own version of groundhog day.

The Fan Club

2007-05-01T14:40:00.000-04:00

During our first week at home we had a ton of visitors. If I could go back and change one thing I would not allow more than one group of visitors per day. On the third day home I almost past out in front of my in-laws due to exhaustion from non-stop entertaining. I love it when people tell you that you should "sleep when the baby sleeps" while they hold your sleeping baby and yap your ear off.

There have been some surprises - some good, some bad, over the last week. I'm going to rank some of the visitors from ugly to good.

#1 Ugly is MIL. The worst part of dealing with her is the extremely high pitch squeak voice she uses to talk to Olivia. Oh yeah, it's all in Portuguese too so not only is it annoying, but I have no idea what the hell she is saying. The little stunt she pulled today earned her the #1 asshat spot. Her asshole little dog shit on my carpet (in 6 places) and I came upstairs to find her picking it up while holding my baby. Olivia's face was about 8 inches from a steaming pile of dog shit. You can only imagine the flip out that occurred, much profanity was required. Would it have been that hard set her down before picking up dog crap? Proof that I will never be able to use my MIL as a babysitter.

#2 Ugly goes to Crazy Neighbour. This was a toss up between her and the next person but she pulled some shit the other night that secured her as the biggest asshat around. She has called every single day (except one) since we have gotten home, I have ignore 80% of the calls. None of us can step foot outside without being accosted by her. The highlight of her idiocy came when she decided to just walk right into my house - no knocking or anything. She called out my name and I came out of the bedroom with a baby attached to my boob and yelled "do you mind?". I haven't heard from her since but there is going to be a talk about boundaries the next time I see her.

#3 Ugly is my SIL's mom. I really expected her to be one of the better visitors. That was until she made my baby cry because "newborns cry so cute". People who make babies cry for there own entertainment should be shot.

My mom falls into the bad category. She brought her new boyfriend to my house 3 days after I gave birth. They've been dating for 6mnths, so you know, this is a great time to finally introduce me to the guy.

Neither good nor bad is my 13yr old stepdaughter. This is the one that hubbie invited to stay for the summer. I was right, her idea of help is holding a happy baby. She lacks the maturity to soothe her sister and she doesn't understand that putting her own dishes in the dishwasher (instead of the counter top) would be a big help (yes, I've told her 500 times to put them in the dishwasher). She loves her sister so much, but I would appreciate it if she told me when she shits her pants instead of letting her sit in it for fear that I might ask her to change it (which I wouldn't).

My 15yr old stepdaughter is pretty darn good. She does have the maturity and natural instinct to soothe her which is nice. We were eating the other night and Olivia was crabby so SD ate really quickly and then took her from me so I could eat. This girl has a heart of gold.

I do have to give props to Hubbie, he is a pro. The only thing that has scared him so far is giving her a bath by himself so we did it together. If she's fussy in the night he's good about taking her for a few hours so I can get some sleep. She luvs her daddy.

The superstar is my 11yr old stepson. This is a huge surprise and a very pleasant one. He loves his sister so much but she is tiny and he's scared to hold her. So what does he do? Steps it up in every other way possible. He picked up dog poop, swept the kitchen floor, emptied the dishwasher and helped me grocery shop. He truly understands the meaning of "help" and I can't tell him enough how much I appreciate it.

I am glad that we have all the first visits out of the way and we can relax a bit. As nice as it is to show her off, I prefer our alone time together.

Labour and Delivery Part 3: My Girl

2007-04-26T20:50:00.000-04:00

One thing I didn't know was that the OB only comes in once the baby is almost out. I was shocked to hear that it was just going to be the nurse, hubbie and I. I asked how long the pushing phase would take and she told me max. 2hrs (which seemed like a long time).

The poor nurse had to lift my dead ass legs into the stirups, I think she earned her pay that morning. Hubbie's job was to count to ten during my pushes and prop my neck up so my chin was on my chest. My job was to push for 10 seconds, 3 times in a row during contractions. Considering that I was paralized from the rib cage down, this was no easy feat. The best way I can describe it is to compare the sensation to having a numb mouth after the dentist - imagine trying to spit ten yards - it would just dribble down your chin. I couldn't feel anything. The nurse kept telling me to stop pushing from the top and push like I was going to poop. What happens when you push like your going to poop (and had a burger 14hrs ago)? You poop. I know it's not pretty but what the hell, if I'm going to be honest then it's not fair to pretty the story up. Truthfully though, I wasn't embarassed at the time - shit happens, right?

After about an hour of pushing she was crowning and it was time to call the doctor. Here comes the odd part - I had two doctors (and didn't know why because this is not a teaching hospital). One doctor was doing the work but the other was directing (I'll explain later). I was offered a mirror but politely declined. The bassinet was right across from me and mirrored on the end so I was seeing as much as I needed to. They asked me if I wanted to reach my hand down and feel her head - ummm, no thanks. What I wanted was to see my baby out of my body, not coming out of my body.

At this point it was once again declared that it looked like I was having a big baby (they were so wrong) and the dr's started discussing an episotomy (noooooo!). I asked them not to but they really thought I would tear so I agreed to it. A few snips (I felt nothing), a tiny push and her head was out. From that point they just pulled her tiny body out of me. I did feel her being pulling out of me but it was not painful, it is very hard to describe - kind of a wiggly feeling. She was born 89 minutes after I started pushing at 10:59am.

They seemed to have forgotten that I didn't know the sex so I had to ask. My heart exploded when they said "it's a girl". I thought I didn't care, and maybe I would have been just excited about a boy, but I was so happy to have my little girl. She came out perfect. There was no blood or yucky crap and she wasn't blue or purple. She was pink and wet, perfect as can be. She was set on my chest while hubbie cut the cord and my placenta was delivered. Love at first sight.

They asked her name. I looked at Hubbie and said "Olivia, Samantha or Vanessa" (I had narrowed it down) and he said "Olivia" which was fine by me because it was my first choice. I know it's popular right now but if I lived through being named Jennifer, she'll manage with Olivia.

They started to stitch me up and this is when I found out why I had two doctors. The one who was doing the work (delivery and stiching - no idea who did the episotomy) was a family doctor with almost no delivery experience. She is heading to Africa for mission work this summer and wants to learn delivery before going. The doctor doing the directing was an OB. The more I think about this, the more pissed I am. My OB is one of the best in the province, I wasn't going to him so that I could be stitched up by an inexpeirenced family doctor. The worst part was that I wasn't given any option, I wasn't told this until the epsisotomy was almost done. Maybe I would have consented but damn, I would have liked to be asked first. I am o.k. with her doing the delivery but the stiching? Those are my girly bits, I'd like them to be put back together by someone trained to do so.

They gave Olivia back to me and I breast fed her with some help from the nurse. She was the master of the boob right away.

Post delivery there were a few things that surprised me. The first would be the swelling in my face, hands, feet and vagina. Pushing for 90 minutes pushes all the fluids to your extremities and I was huge (the feet took 6 days to go back to normal). The second would be that it took 6hrs before I got feeling back in my lower body and could stand up. The feeling of numbness was a little creepy after the delivery because I was left to care for a newborn with almost no movement in my body.

The nurses were great and tended to us for the next 24 hrs. After the worst sleep of my life I was discharged at noon the following day. Hubbie spent the night with us which was fabulous because I don't think I would have gotten any sleep without him there.

Overall, my experience was fabulous. There were no complications for either me or Olivia. When you have an easy birth with a perfect baby it's hard not to throw around the word "miracle" every once and a while.

We've had some fun in the last week so I'm glad to finish this post so I can get on with other stuff. Here is a bit more baby goodness in the meantime...

Labour and Delivery Part Two: Epidurals are proof that there is a God

2007-04-23T12:30:00.000-04:00

When I got to the L&D wing (1am) they sent me to the triage unit. The first thing they did was make me lie on my back (which I hated doing during contractions) and strapped those evil monitors to my belly. Nothing worse then having something tight around your stomach during unmedicated contractions. At this point I was still only 1cm dilated but 100% effaced. Looking at the contraction monitor they could tell I was well into labour so there was no sending me home.

At 2:15 they told me to walk the halls for 30min to get things moving. I was grateful to get the straps off and stand up so I didn't mind. Thank god they have rails on the wall, it gave me something to hang onto during my contractions (3-4min apart). Hubbie just walked with me and kept me full of ice chips. By the time we got back to triage they decided to start my IV (needed for epidural and antibiotics for strep b). They managed to totally blow a vien which hurt like a sonofabitch. Thankfully a better nurse stepped in and got it quickly into my hand.

This is when I heard the best words ever. The nurses were discussing the fact that the anesthesiologist was on his way to do an epidural for room 15, so they may as well put me in room 14 and do it at the same time. There is a god.

Things got better from this point on. My nurse took me down to my room. I was lucky to be giving birth in one of the best L&D hospitals in the province. The rooms are huge and you do everything in one room - labour - delivery - recovery. There is even a private washroom with hot tub and a bench couch so that the husband/partner can spend the night.

My nurse gave me a quick check, I was now 4cm dilated at 3:30am. I got the epidural at 3:45. It hurt but is well worth 5 min of pain. The only part of it that I really hated was having a catheter put in my bladder afterwards. After about 10 min I was feeling no pain, I could move my legs a little but couldn't feel the contractions. They had slowed down to 6min so they started some induction drugs (not sure which ones). My nurse was a complete angel. She turned out all the lights and worked only by a crack of light coming from the bathroom door. She told me to sleep, which was impossible but the relaxation was nice. At 6am the OB on call broke my water. I didn't feel a thing. At 7am I was 9 cm dilated and well on my way. It was shift change so I just chilled out while my new nurse/on call OB got up to date on what was going on.

At 7:30 I started to feel the top of the contractions. My angel of a nurse decided to top up my epidural. As much as I appreciated it, this left me totally paralyzed from the rib cage down. The OB on call (I sadly wasn't going to get my OB) wanted to wait a bit because the baby was still face up. She was moving alot so they hoped that she would flip over on her own.

At 9am they checked me again, I was 10cm and the baby was face down. They decided that I would start to push at 9:30. This is when I got scared. Cold sweat, holy fuck, more scared then I ever remember being. Scared to the point of shaking. I'm not sure why, I guess the thought of pushing this baby out of my body seemed so unreal that I couldn't quite process it. I told the nurse I was scared and she rubbed my hand. Then I told her I was scared I was going to poop because of the previous night trip to A@W, she laughed and said I wouldn't be the first or the last.

I was left with 30 min to contemplate that by 11:30 (no more than 2hrs of pushing) I was going to be a mom.

To be continued...

A little baby goodness for your viewing pleasure...she can thank her big sisters for this hairdo

p.s. - she's back up to birth weight today (yea!) which means I can stop waking her up every 3hrs in the night to eat (thank god). Breast feeding is going as well as can be expected for the first week. Olivia is an angel, more than I could have ever hoped for.

Labour and Delivery Part One: Should I Stay or Should I Go?

2007-04-20T18:50:00.000-04:00

This is overwhelming to write all at once so I'm going to break it into parts. I want to record all the details I can remember (I took notes a few hours after delivery so you can expect alot of detail). This is a L&D story that you don't need to be scared to read because I think I had it pretty easy. Not that labour (yes, that's how it's spelled in Canada) is easy, but in the grand scheme of things, it went well.

Part One:

I woke up at 6am on Saturday April 14th with pretty strong menstraul cramps. I figured this was the start of labour because I didn't have any braxton hicks or other cramping throughout the pregnancy. My OB told me that "real" labour does not feel like menstraul cramps and that if you can nap, your not really in labour - it's either false or early stages. I had mild contractions that couldn't be timed (one an hour, two an hour - spiractic). I was able to nap from about 12-2.

By 6pm I was starting to doubt that anything was going to happen as it had been 12hrs with no real progress. Hubbie and I went for a walk to see if that would get things moving. I tried to not eat very much through the day because of the whole "pooping on the table" thing but at this point I was starving hungry and was craving an A@W teenburger so we headed to the nearest "city" (still pretty small) to get me a combo with fries and gravy.

I finished eating at 7:30 and was pretty sore but still no real contractions. We started to watch a movie and at about 9pm I had my first real contractions. My OB had described it well, it felt like a train running through my body. They started at 20min apart. After each contraction I would go to the bathroom because the pressure left me feeling like I had to go. By 11pm they were 10min apart and really hard. I couldn't sit or be on my back, I had to walk through them or be on all fours.

At this point I told my husband to get the car seat into the car (still not installed - men!). I already had my stuff in the trunk so we were ready to go. By midnight the contractions were getting harder and almost 5min apart which was the sign that it was time to go to the hospital. Because we have a 30 min drive to the hospital, I did not want to get sent home so I waited to get to this point hoping that once I was there I wouldn't be leaving until I was coming home with a baby.

Wouldn't you know it, April 15 at 12:30am and it's a freaking snow storm. Thank god hubbie was driving and I was in the back seat paying no attention at all.

We got to the hospital at 1am. The emergancy nurse took one look at me and gave me the directions to get to the L&D wing. Please please please don't send me home, let this be the real thing.

To be continued....

A little mom/daughter side by side comparason...

p.s. - it's amazing how quickly you learn to type while holding a baby.

Color Me Pink

2007-04-16T17:45:00.000-04:00

It's a GIRL!

Olivia was born at 10:59am Sunday April 15 wieghing 6lbs11oz and 19 inches long.

I'm doing well, tired, but well. Long story short, 14hrs of labour, epidural, perfect baby (who looks exactly like her mama's baby pictures). I'll save the real birth story for another day when I've had more than 2hrs sleep.

Moments after birth...

A little more peaceful...

Heading home...

Early or False?

2007-04-14T21:41:00.000-04:00

I think I'm in the starting stages of labour, although it could be false labour (I'm not to experienced in this department). Both early and false seem to have the same characterisitics so Dr.Google is no help at all.

I've been up since 6am with nasty PMS feeling cramps and I have irregular bouts of pain that last about 60 seconds (nothing that can be timed yet). I haven't really had any braxton hicks or cramps throughout the pregnancy so it's making me think that this is the real thing.

If I wake up tomorrow and I'm still at home, I'll let you know. If not, you can probably assume that I've gone to the hospital at some point tonight.

p.s. - thank you for the suggestions/offers of help on how to update my blog. We can't have cell phones in the hospital so I can't text and I don't have a laptop/PDA so no email for me. I promise to let you know asap.

Update - contractions are 15 min apart and kicking my ass. I think this is the real thing.

Moving along

2007-04-12T18:02:00.000-04:00

Things are finally starting to move...a little bit. I am 1cm dilated and 80% effaced. The heart beat is strong and the baby moves alot so the doctor is content to make me wait a bit longer. If I haven't gone into labour by the 19th, he'll schedule an induction for either the 20th or 21st. I can handle 9 more days (I think). It's getting hard to move or do much of anything but it's been a damn long time since I've been this lazy so I'm taking advantage of the couch time.

I wish I could tell you that I have somebody to update my blog but I don't. My husband is the only one that knows about this blog. Between picking up his kids, calling our families and taking care of the dogs, I don't think he'll have time to figure out how to post pictures for me. If I go into labour without induction, I'll try to stop at the pc long enough to let you know that I'm heading to the hospital. If I'm being induced, I'll let you know when. One of my first stops when I get home will be to post a few pictures (I've started a video montage but we'll see how much energy I have). You have all been such great friends through this journey that it is important for me to give you the news as soon as possible.

Still Waiting, now with pictures

2007-04-09T13:55:00.000-04:00

Status = unchanged. There are still no signs that I'm any closer to labour then I was a few days ago. Although, there have been signs that the baby might pop through my belly alien style, I keep you updated on that.

Here are some pictures (hopefully to be replaced soon by actual baby pictures).

The nursery looks a little crowded because the stroller and car seat are in there now but it's actually not too bad for space. We went with a safari theme, I figured that was good for a boy or a girl.

This is my chair. I love my chair.

The crib. I opted out of the bumper pads which leaves it a little barren looking. There is alot of debate around bumper pads but I don't want to get into it, everybody has to do what feels right for them.

The dresser. I painted it myself but screwed up two of the knobs so they still have to be put on. For somebody that's not too crafty, I think I did a pretty good job.

The coming home outfit. Hubbie says the kid is going to look like a frog.

My Easter puppy. He really is worlds most tolerant dog (there is nothing wrong with his paws, those are SD's Easter socks).

Waiting to Exhale

2007-04-05T21:05:00.000-04:00

Today I got good news/bad news from the OB.

He got the official ultrasound results and is really happy with how things are looking. There is no fear that the baby is small, it's going to be a big bugger. There is tons of amniotic fluid and the placenta is clear of the cervix. Since the health of the baby is my main concern, I'm trying to concentrate on this good news.

But then, there is always some bad news to dwell on.

Bad news #1: I have strep B virus which means that the baby could be exposed during birth. The solution is to give me antibiotics intravenously during labour and birth. I'm under strict instructions from my OB to not Google strep B virus. Please, no horror stories.

Bad news #2: ZERO centimeters dilated. I'm so not dilated that I almost had a fit during the internal. If I can't let my OB shove two well lubed fingers into my girly parts, how in the hell is a baby's head going to come out of there?

Bad News #3: The head is so high that I may have to have a c-section. I really don't want to have a c-section for several reasons - hospital stay, recovery time, blah blah blah. Everybody has their ideal birth and cutting my guts open is not part of mine. Then again, dildo cams weren't part of the ideal conception either.

My last OB appointment is April 19th. Assuming I haven't gone into labour by then, the choice will be to induce or a c-section, depending on the baby's head position. For now I'm just holding my breath, waiting to exhale.

My Stalkers

2007-04-02T14:20:00.000-04:00

Neither MIL or crazy neighbour have missed a beat. I've been done work for one day and they are already all over me.

My MIL called 4 times on Saturday,in a period of 2 1/2 hours. What was the emergency? She wanted to congratulate me on being off work and tell me how lucky I am to be home with "OUR" baby (she calls it OUR baby, can you see the hair on my neck standing up?) - I haven't had the baby yet so the whole thing makes no sense. The first time she called I was walking in the house and couldn't get to the phone. After that I tried to catch a nap but when your phone rings every 45 min, that's a little difficult. By the time hubbie got home, I had him answer. He flipped out on her, big time. The whole thing was in Portuguese but I can understand enough at this point to know that he told her to stop stalking me and that unless there is an emergency, don't call 4 times in under 3 hours.

Of course, she called yesterday to pout and try to make me feel guilty because her son yelled at her. Whatever lady, I told him to yell at you. I told her that all of our phone's are either off or set to low ringer. She won't wake me up but there is also no point in calling a million times because I won't hear it ring anyway.

Then there is crazy fuck next door. She called shortly after MIL. She wanted to know if hubbie and I were free to come over and hang out Saturday night. Nothing I want to do more at 9 months pregnant then play cards with the neighbours. After I brushed her off, the next bright idea was that we should spend today together since it's her day off and I'm home by myself. G.R.E.A.T. I managed to hide for the morning but I can't spend every day walking around C*stco. I think I'm going to have to be blunt and just tell her that I'm not the sort of person to sit around drinking coffee with the neighbours all day. I hate to tell my neighbour to piss off but at this point it's better than the alternative.

Other than being stalked, things are great. I'm in baby watch mode now. It's much like obsessive panty checking during the 2ww but this time I am hoping for some spotting that might give a sign of impending labor. The baby is still riding high and there haven't been any signs that I'm going to give birth sometime soon. My last OB appointment is booked for the 19th (1 week overdue). If I haven't had it before then, that appointment is to book an induction. Within three weeks, I'll have a baby and that blows my mind.

Ramblings and Pictures

2007-03-27T22:45:00.000-04:00

I usually try to stick to a topic but my brain is a big pile of mush so all you get is a bunch of ramblings.

Friday is my last day of work. Although Canada is amoung the worst countries in the world for coverage of infertility treatments, it is amoung the best for maternity leave.

I am very grateful that I was not pregnant during the summer. This brief spring heat wave has caused some serious boob sweat (adding to the leakage - yum). I have no idea how anybody walks around pregnant in the summer? Kudos to you that have gone through it.

It officially says *wants epidural* in big bold letters at the top of my hospital records. Whew, glad we got that in print.

My RE is no longer concerned about the baby's size, although he sent me for an ultrasound just in case (I'll get the results on Thursday). I love my OB, he totally respects the whole IVF thing and that I deserve a little extra TLC.

We decided to go for the cord blood banking. Maybe it's all a scam, I don't know. With 3 brothers/sisters, as well as me and my husband it seemed like a good idea as a little health insurance.

Now for a few pictures. Remember way back at 15 weeks when I showed you a picture of baby pouty lips? Well, at 38 weeks this is still the most pouty baby I have ever seen. Hubbie is convinced I've had an affair with M!ck Jagger.
15 weeks
38 weeks

I have resisted posting any real belly pics up to this point but since we are getting close, I'll indulge. This is a bare belly shot so don't click if you aren't in a place where you want to see this sort of thing. Yes, I cropped out my head - I've had enough of the fat face for now.

Part One: Got Milk?

2007-03-23T16:08:00.001-04:00

This is part one of what I am sure will be an ongoing series of unfortunate events.

Did I mention that my breasts starting leaking about 4 weeks ago? Usually it's just a tear drop here and there, nothing that requires pads. Today, that changed. I was at the grocery store when all of a sudden I felt a wet spot on my shirt. My first thought was that the bag of milk I just put in the cart had been wet when I picked it up. Further investigation reveled that it was indeed milk, but nothing I could blame on the store. The spot was perfectly round and exactly where my nipple is. And it wasn't small. Probably about the size of an orange. I had soaked all the way through my sports bra to my shirt. Sexy!

What did I do?
A) Go out to the car and get my coat
B) Run out of the store in a blaze of tears and embarrassment
C) Say fuck it and keeping on keeping on
D) Exercise my legal right to go topless in this province

Are you dying of suspense? I went with option C. I was almost done shopping. Besides, it is a Friday afternoon so it was just me, the old folks and SAHM's in the store. Other than the odd dirty old man, I don't think alot of people where staring at my chest.

The bright side is that I don't think I'll have to wait for my milk to come after I give birth. Since I seem to be the jersey cow of pregnant women, it would be shame for me not to at least attempt breast feeding.

Infertility = Birth Control?

2007-03-17T10:42:00.000-04:00

This question seemed like an easy answer to me a few months ago. No, we would never use birth control. Why bother? If you need ICSI to concieve, it seems like a no-brainer. The recent wave of natural pregnancies from women who have been through many rounds of treatment has caused me to second guess my original thought.

I think the answer depends largly on the cause of infertility. Some people know they will never get pregnant without the aid of ART. The RE told us that "it is highly unlikely" and I took that as meaning "never" but there is a remote chance. The major difference between us and the women who have gotten lucky is that we are male factor. Most of the lucky one's are endo or PCOS cases where the sperm is great and your looking for that one decent egg. One good egg will get you alot further than one good sperm (unless you are employing ICSI which removes the lucky factor).

I am not sure what we will do. I certinaly don't want to get pregnant again a few months after we have a baby. We've agreed that we will do another FET in a few years but after that (no matter what the outcome) we will probably be done. My husband would like to retire at 60 so he'd like to be done with babies by the time he's 45 (4 yrs). I can't imagine diving back into the world of birth control, it just seems so ridiculous now.

What would you do?

Kind of like cats being attracted to people that don't like cats

2007-03-12T20:47:00.000-04:00

I am either two nice, or simply a weirdo magnet. The people in my life who I like the least, are the one's that to spend the most amount of time with me.

My MIL wants to come over once a week, in addition to her already every-other-Sunday visits. You already know that this does not please me. I don't like her, her advice or her damn shitty cooking. Plus, her giant boobs scare me.

My crazy neighbour? She's warned me that she'll be waiting on the front porch when we pull in the laneway after coming home from the hospital. I guess I should appreciate the warning. Calling her "needy" would be an understatement. The crazy shit she says in regards to me having a baby is so creepy. She has actually borrowed a playpen from her sister in anticipation of me leaving my child alone with her - not bloodly likely. She even creeps my husband out and he's much nicer than I am.

Then there is my cleaning lady. Yes - I have a cleaning lady but it's on a barter system, my husband fixes her truck, she cleans our house (why do I feel so guilty about having someone clean my house?). Anyway, I can't stand her and if she didn't manage to get the dog hair out of my carpet I'd kick her to the curb. She's one of those people that is full of advice, about everything and anything. She is an expert on every single subject, including parenting (despite the fact that she doesn't have children and is unmarried). Usually I am at work so I don't see her but that's going to change in 3 weeks.

These people are stressing me out. My MIL wants to be with me 3 days in every 14 (2 of those days being just me and her - kill me now). My neighbour will be stalking me and I won't be able to step outside without being acosted. My cleaning lady is going to annoy the piss out of me every other Monday with her fabulous parenting advice, let alone telling me what I need to fix/replace in my house.

I can't stay inside, I can't go outside, I can't run, I can't hide.

Whatever will be, will be

2007-03-06T16:45:00.000-05:00

I went back and read yesterday's post and it sounded way worse than how I actually feel. I was having a bad day - washing machine died, shitty weather and more rib pain than usual. The main reason I am done being pregnant is that I cannot wait to meet this baby. Sure, pregnancy isn't the bed of roses I had hoped for but overall, I've had it pretty good.

These days it's hard to keep my mind off of a day dreaming....
Boy or Girl?
Brown eye's like me or blue eye's like him?
My pasty white skin and freckles or his lovely olive skin?
My cute nose or hubbie's honker?
Tall like my side or short like his?
...
but most of all...
is he/she healthy and is everything o.k.?

Not seeing the OB for the last 4 weeks has really frustrated me. My next appointment is next Tuesday and at that point it will be 5 weeks since I've seen him. I just want to hear that everything is o.k. It seems o.k., the little one moves alot. Other than my whinny complaints I'm pretty sure I'm healthy. That being said, I am getting anxious. I'm so close to the finish line but I don't feel like it's time to celebrate until I am holding a healthy baby.

Que Sera Sera

Wussy Exit

2007-03-05T19:00:00.000-05:00

The one thing infertility has given me is a much greater ability to empathise. My SIL is scared of ever being pregnant. If she had it her way, she would adopt as a first choice to build her family with my brother. A year ago this annoyed the shit out of me. Now I get it. Pregnancy is not for sissies and she smart enough to understand this at a young age. I don't understand how somebody deals with pregnancy if they do not 100% want it with all there heart and soul (like all of us).

Remember that pain under my ribs? Yeah, it's gotten alot worse. That's why I haven't posted in a while. Sitting is serious pain and after spending 8hrs a day sitting in a desk staring at a computer screen, it's all I can do to come home and rip off my bra, let alone get back onto a computer. Sitting or standing is all my rib cage has room for. At this point I am assuming* that I've either cracked a rib or torn a muscle. Trust me, this is not the babies foot.

As close to 35 weeks I am looking for a wussy exit (you've been through a haunted house before, right?). I've fantasized about pregnancy for years and I can say that for me, the fantasy was better than the reality. In reality, I don't have much to complain about because I've had a pretty text book pregnancy with a mixed bag of the usual side effects. But honestly, I'm done. I've made it past 34 weeks (my mental hurdle) so this baby can come pretty much any time now. Plus I'm dying to know if it's a boy or a girl. I've stopped short of the drano test.

* I have to make assumptions because winter finally showed up with a vengeance and I've had to cancel my last two OB appointments.

p.s. - read a great quote in a home improvement article - "Like childbirth, building a cabinet gets you lots of advice from people who think they can help, but you're the only one screaming." Remind me to never build a cabinet.

Sunburn

2007-02-26T20:10:00.000-05:00

A few years ago I was watching Dr.Ph*l and had one of those ah-ha moments. It was a show about MIL/DIL's who had problem relationships (surprise, surprise). Dr.Ph*l told the DIL that she had an MIL sunburn. He described it this way - the MIL had hurt the DIL so many times that it was like having an emotional sunburn, so that now, anytime the MIL even lightly touches those emotions, it hurts just like a sunburn does when somebody touches it. I have never forgotten that and I think it is the best way to describe my problem with my MIL. The reason that knowledge hasn't helped is that we weren't on the show and MIL didn't hear that she needs to stop saying jack-ass shit if she ever wants my sunburn to go away, so it hasn't.

I thought of this again a few nights ago after both my dad and my MIL called. In the conversation with my dad, he asked how "little Wally" (we call my dad Wally) was doing and I laughed, it felt good to hear him say that because he isn't a real touchy feely kinda guy. His questions didn't seem imposing, even when he asked how big I was getting. I hung up the phone feeling great. An hour later, MIL called. We went through the usual questions - how is OUR baby doing (really, she owes me some cash if this is OUR baby) and asked me how much fatter I am getting. Right away I started using my bitchiest tone and I can only imagine the look on my face. I hung up the phone wanting to smash it against the wall. Both conversations had the same questions and comments, just in asked in very very different ways. It's the difference between somebody slapping your sunburn and somebody giving you a gentle hug. Yesterday my MIL walked in the house and for the millionth time, remarked on how "fat" I was getting. A big old slap to the sunburn the minute she walks in the door. How well do you think that visit went?

I have my share of therapy and I know that I can't change someone, the only thing I can change is my reaction to a person. This frustrates me even more because I don't know how to change my reaction to the things MIL says. How do you change your reaction to somebody calling you fat 2-3 times a week? I guess I could laugh but I don't think it's funny, I think it's rude and ignorant. I've told her that it pisses me off, in fact, I tell her just about everytime she says it. But that is just it, I can't change her or make her stop saying it. I can only change my reaction.

I don't know what to do. She lives 45 minutes away so she's not around the corner but it also means that when she comes over, she wants to be there for half the day. I do have caller ID but MIL will call 20 times in one day until somebody picks up, and then give you the third degree about where you have been all day. She already comes to our house every other Sunday, which is more than enough MIL contact even for people who like there MIL's. To say that I am dreading any increase of visits/phone calls from her would be an understatement.

I'm going to need one big ass bottle of Aloe Vera because it doesn't feel like this sunburn is going to heal anytime soon.

p.s. - having MIL call me fat is only the latest and greatest annoyance. No point in dredging up all the past shit, that would require it's own blog.

Twin Envy?

2007-02-23T09:23:00.000-05:00

When I was a little girl, I always imagined myself having twins. My mom is a twin, but she lost her twin sister when she was 10 years old. I felt the void that my mom carried and desperately wanted to be a twin myself, or the next best thing, have twins.

The first time our urologist said "fertility drugs" the word that popped into my head was twins. I didn't go home and Go*gle side effects or success rates, I looked for the likely hood of twins.

My beta was 1294. Just about everybody, including us, thought that meant twins. The three embryos we transferred weren't great quality but hey, anything was possible. It was at that time that I started to rethink the whole twin thing and get a little scared. The reality of twins is much different than the little girl daydreams that have filled my head for 30 years. I might say I was even a little relieved when the ultrasound showed only one little beating heart.

Relieved or not, I have been harboring a tiny bit of twin envy. When I visit the sites of some of my blog friends who have twins, they are just so damn cute that it does tug at the heart a little bit. Reading Tertia's singleton envy post really helped me realize that what I am envious of is the special allure of twins. Not the reality, but the day dream, the fantasy. The cute matching outfits. The extra attention and special status. The end of infertility, two for the price of one. The reality, as she pointed out, is much different.

Even with a touch of twin envy, I am so happy for what I have. Would I trade this singleton for a set of twins? No, I wouldn't. For me, my reality, this is the best case scenario. I have traded my childhood dream for the dream of holding one sweet tiny little baby in my arms and that is more than enough to fill my heart.

Did you need proof?

2007-02-19T20:46:00.000-05:00

Further proof that I am a total nutbar...

I was so excited on Saturday. They finally called - my stroller was in. My very own stroller, the one I had dreamed about owning since I pushed My Friend Jenny in her little plastic piece of crap about 27 years ago. I should have been ecstatic right? Did I put a doll in it and push it around? Did I try to put my dogs in it? Nope, I cried, sobbed and bawled.

You don't get it? I'll do my best to explain....

One of my many problems is that I have serious issue's with spending money. Not only is my family of Scottish background but we didn't have a whole lot of money growing up. Getting a new couch meant that the neighbour was throwing out their old one. Anytime I do not act in the most frugal manner possible, I freak-the-fuck-out. Spending more money than absolutely necessary puts me into a solid 24hr depression and let's just say that I didn't go for the economy model. Coach bags and Prada shoes? I don't even come close to getting it, spending that much on a single purchase would require a year worth of Valium for me.

Problem #2 was that I could not figure out how to work the damn thing. My "mechanic/I've already had three kids" husband had no problem. Just pull this, squeeze that, push here and that's all there is to it. I have visions of a baby screaming in a collapsed stroller that I can't figure out how to pop back open. Why did I pay for all these features that I can't figure out how to use? Back to problem #1.

My husband, god love him, just patted my head and said "it's not easy to be pregnant" while I sobbed away. Problem #3 is likely hormones. That might be a safe bet.

Now that I have had 48hrs to get over myself, I am slowly starting to warm up to the 4 wheeled monster. I think I've even mastered the whole folding thing. Might as well take a picture eh? If I'm going to go that far may I may as well give Jenny a ride too (no, I am not referring to myself in the third person, that's her name - and yes, that is the same doll I got for Christmas 27yrs ago). It's a Pe*g Perego Uno and I'm sure once I figure out how to use the damn thing, I'll be very happy with my purchase.

Subliminal?

2007-02-15T09:50:00.000-05:00

On first glance, it's a perfectly sweet Valentines gift...

It took me a second to notice...

I find it hard to believe that was an accident!

How to make me pee my pants

2007-02-13T09:20:00.000-05:00

When your spouse is older than you, it's hard not to rib them about their age. I tease my husband about how long it will be before somebody thinks he's the baby's grandpa. This isn't likely because most people don't think he looks his age but it's fun to tease.

Anyway...back to the story. My husband owns an auto shop in our small town. Last night a customer came to the door pretty late. I stuck my head out the door and he said "Is your Dad home". Mwaaahhhahahahahahahahahha. Is my dad home? That is priceless. My dad. It's going to be a long time before this stops being funny.

I guess I was right. Fat does puff out the wrinkles. I've found the fountain of youth in a bag of oreo's.

Here we go

2007-02-08T09:30:00.000-05:00

MIL told my hubbie yesterday that she can't wait to start coming over once a week when I have the baby. Thump....thump....thump....thump, oh sorry, that's just the sound of my head banging against the wall. I did a quiz a while back asking how well you get along with your mother in law, 22% of you said she drives you nuts. For the other 78%, you are damn lucky.

This is the same woman that told people she would rather that I didn't have children. She not only drives me crazy, she drives her son and grandchildren crazy. She gives us zero respect as parents and has pulled so much shit with his kids over the years that it would take me a month just to go into it all. She's a matriarch and a martyr all rolled up into a crazy old lady. I used to tell my friends about her and they thought I was exaggerating. A few summers ago, a friend came over while my MIL was there. She went back to the group and testified that I have not exaggerated one bit, in fact, I probably leave some stuff out. For 22% of you, you know what I'm saying. The other 78%, use your imagination (think "Everybody L*ves Raymond" meets "My Big Fat Gre*k Wedding").

Last weekend MIL wanted to come over and help me clean my house because I am so fat (her exact words). You all remember what MIL looks like, right? She had to move into a condo because she couldn't handle the stairs in her bungalow. But alas, I am so fat that I need her help to clean my house. If I thought she really wanted to help me clean, it would be great. What she wants to do is to come over and criticize every square inch of my house. The fact that I won't let her make big poofy lacy frilly ridiculous curtains for every room in my house is enough to send us into an hour long argument which ends in my screaming "it's my damn house". You can imagine what the result of her coming over once I have the baby will be? Criticizing every. single. thing. I do as a mother.

At this point you might be thinking "she doesn't want anybody to help her" and you just might be right. Without going into a therapy session here, I'd guess that it is a result of my family upbringing. Every man for themselves. For most of my life, I've been the only person I could rely on so I consider myself a pretty independent girl. That doesn't matter though, MIL will come over no matter how much I protest. There is not a single version of the word NO that translates correctly into her brain. She's a human bulldozer. thump....thump....thump (banging of the head hurts less than the thought of spending one day a week alone with my MIL).

p.s. - if your wondering how far along I am, there's a thingy on the left side bar. If you want to know my due date, look to the right. If your looking for my email, I've added an "email me" button to the left.

Ohhhh, that's what they mean by "uncomfortable"

2007-02-05T08:25:00.000-05:00

What in the name of Louise Brown is under the left side of my rib cage? If you say "the babies foot" I might have to introduce you to the business end of my Rotti . The pain has been on/off for about 5 weeks now and it's always in the exact same place. Bottom of my left rib cage. If it was a foot, wouldn't it hurt in places other than the exact same spot every time? It has slowly been getting worse, and the on seems to last longer than the off.

It feels like my stomach has been pushed up to sit under my ribs and when I eat/drink, it expands and jams into my ribs creating a stinging pain (too low for heartburn). The pain can only be appeased by leaning way back into some sort of Olympic back arch.

What adds to this is that my stomach is really high and my boobs are huge (considering that I started this as a B cup) which results in the girls sitting on my stomach. If I am stupid enough to wear an underwire, it jams into the top of my belly, right where the rib pain is. You know what looks really good - a sports bra under a blouse. Somebody run and tell J.T. that I've brought sexy back.

Picture Day

2007-02-01T21:05:00.000-05:00

Enough of the drama. Thank you for your concern about the accident (rear-ended doesn't always mean something sexy). We are o.k., just a stiff neck and a bit of a sore back. Nothing that a day or two of extreme laziness won't cure. Onto picture day....

Everybody tells me they won't be my babies anymore

If find that really hard to believe. Just look at those eyes!

The nursery so far...

It is just about time to get real, ditch the futon and get the room ready. I have to give myself a big pat on the back for painting the dresser (don't freak out, I did it outside to avoid the fumes). The yellow and green should be further proof that I really don't know the sex.

You might want to be my hubbie's friend....

if you like a good cigar. M*nte Cristo #1, direct from Cuba. Nothing says congratulations like a big stinky cloud of smoke.

The present that made me "awwww" the most....

tiny little booties from my stepdaughters

Apparently I am carrying so high that the baby is in my face.

What's bigger, my cheeks or my boobs? At least fat puffs out the wrinkles.

For those of you that really want to see a picture that includes my belly (and massive acne).

Oh, and Happy Groundhog Day. Do they do this everywhere or just in Canada/Northern US? Apparently, Wiarton Willy didn't see his shadow and spring is on it's way. Did winter just show up a few weeks ago?

I'm not your bitch, bitch

2007-02-01T11:10:00.000-05:00

I can handle someone disagreeing with me. What I can't take is somebody making alot of assumptions about me. When you decide to do that, you put me in a defensive position in which I find it necessary to defend myself. So sorry to bore everybody but somebody needs to know that she doesn't fucking know me just because she reads my blog.

Robin's rant:

"I agree that he should have asked you first, but this is his daughter not some guest. Is the house you reside in also hers? Unfortunately, it seems that you feel that she is not really a part of "your" family and that makes me sad. It also makes me sad that no one else has the guts to say this to you. The fact is that your husband already has children that he probably wishes could live with him all the time. This girl will be your child's sister. I think that if you set some ground rules and set up a chore chart like any child would have at their home you might find her to be very helpful. Don’t get me wrong I know that you want alone time with your child, you want that intimate time with your husband, and you should get it. But the reality is that this is your husband’s fourth child. Sometimes it seems like you don’t really know the situation you got yourself into. There are “firsts” that you two will not experience together. Oh, and not all teenagers are lazy. This could be a great opportunity to teach your daughter responsibility and work ethic. And again, your husband needs to be aware of your concerns and he to should pick up some of the slack once the baby is born. The comment that really bothers me and if my ex ever gets remarried I would tell him to run from someone who would say, “We already have his kids for 3 weeks in the summer, that is enough.” Really? Would that be enough time to spend with your biological child this summer? That again makes me very, very sad. Yes, children are a lot of work and one day your own child will be a teenager, but hopefully you won’t have the same attitude. I bit my tongue about your vasectomy rants, but when comes to his biological children I can’t. I just wish others wouldn't perpetuate your selfishness. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I have a child who might have a stepmother one day and I don't ever want him to feel second best or not at "home" because his father is re-married and about to have a baby. Also it is hard for me to understand the jealousy you feel towards your husbands life before you.....move on, you are blessed, focus on that. "

Just to get this out of the way.....EVERYBODY I know tells me I am the BEST stepmom they have ever seen. In fact, even my stepchildren tell me that I am the BEST stepmom in the world. Why? Because I treat them like gold.

The house that I RESIDE in is MY FUCKING HOUSE. There is one name on the deed, one name on the mortgage - MINE! I chose to buy a four bedroom house so that when my stepchildren are over, they are not all crammed into one room. The kids have beautiful big bedrooms with a ton of toys. More shit than alot of kids have, especially when they only spend 4 days a month at our house. No - MY HOUSE is not her permanent residence. I already said that they LIVE an hour away from us so isn't that obvious?

To say I don't feel like they are a part of my family? How dare you say that. My stepchildren were all in our wedding party and played an important part in our wedding because on that day, we became a family for life. In fact, the children were included in the vows. I don't call them my children because they aren't - that would be disrespecting their mother which I will not do. They are my stepchildren and they will be part of my family for the rest of my life. Every member of my family treats his children like they are there own.

Of course my husband wishes he had his children full time but it's not that way, and hasn't been for 8 years. If he does want to have them full time, I would support him, but he certainly needs to discuss it with me first as we are a FAMILY - I am not an outsider just because I came second.

"This girl will be my childs sister". Are you fucked? The most exciting part of this pregnancy was telling my stepchildren that they are going to have a brother or sister. They put their hands on my belly and feel the kicks. We stare at ultrasound pictures together. We ohhh and aww over how tiny newborn diapers are. For god sakes, the youngest one sticks his finger in my belly button to see if it's going to pop out soon. Yeah, I think I know that "this girl" will be my child's sister. I would never call her "this girl", she is my stepdaughter.

"I don't know the situation I got myself into". I can count on two fingers the number of times I have mentioned my stepchildren on this blog so how do you think you are qualified to know whether or not I know the situation I got myself into? What makes me such a great stepmom is the fact that I come from a divorced family so I have the view point of what it's like to be in my stepchildren's shoe's. Unless you have walked in both a stepchild's and a stepmom's shoe's, you will never know what I know.

You think I don't know that there are firsts we won't do together? I know our wedding was his second. I know that the birth of our baby will be his forth. Does my style of writing make you think that I am mentally incapable of understanding that?

The 3 weeks we have them every summer? That's when I take my 3 weeks vacation. That's right - I don't take a single week off alone with my husband. I spend my 3 weeks holidays each year entertaining and cleaning up after 3 children who I love because I want to, not because I am required to. Every holiday we take is organized around my stepchildren. Pardon me if I don't think that adjusting to being a full time mom is the right time to take on being a full time stepmom. Both roles require adjustment and I think I am being pretty damn smart in saying that I am not sure I can handle both at the same time.

Don't talk to me about teaching those children work ethic. How dare you assume that I don't? Everytime I make a big meal, I have the kids in the kitchen helping me so they can learn. More often than not, it would be quicker to do it myself, but I think it is important for them to learn.

I feel jealousy towards my husbands life before he met me? When have I ever said that? Or, wait, is it just another assumption you have made? I'm not even going to honor that with a response.

"I just wish others wouldn't perpetuate your selfishness". That's right friends - your comments on my blog are perpetuating my selfishness. Dear Robin doesn't think much of you either.

You know what Robin, go call your first wives meeting and bitch about evil stepmoms until the day you die. Your kids would be lucky to have a stepmom like me. I feel sorry for the woman that has to deal with you someday.

Oh and BTW, my husband and I talked about him inviting his daughter to live with us for the summer. I told him that while I would be o.k. with it, I was disappointed he didn't talk to me first. He understood and apologized. He also said that if she does decide to stay with us, we will make it very clear as to what is expected of her as a full time member of our household. Why, because we are a family and that's how we run OUR family.

p.s. - Statia's right, I really should have just ignored her but I am in a piss ass mood today (we were rear-ended last night, not a happy jenny today). Instead, I've deleted her comment and not linked to her in this post so that she doesn't get extra traffic that she doesn't deserve.

Let's Define "Help"

2007-01-30T11:42:00.000-05:00

The one topic I have stayed away from is my stepchildren. There are a few reasons but mainly because they are good kids. Even when they piss me off, I can step back and realize that they are teenagers and it could be alot worse. Sure, I wish the middle one wasn't the spitting image of her mother and that the youngest one would get a damn hair cut but these aren't major issue's. The kids are 14(girl), 13(girl) and 10(boy). I've been in their lives for almost 8 years now so we've been together for quite a while. We have them every other weekend and a few weeks in the summer. They live a little over an hour away from us. My biggest complaint has to do with me and the fact that I am not old enough to deal with teenagers, hell, wasn't I a teenager just yesterday?

So now we get into today's ~~bitchfest~~ topic.

My husband asked his 13yr old if she wants to stay for the entire summer to help take care of the baby.

Are you fucking kidding?

Maybe I'm new here but I don't think I'll need that much help with the baby from someone who has zero experience with babies. What I need is somebody to unload my dishwasher, fold the laundry or bring over a lasagne so I don't have to make diner. I don't need somebody to hold my baby until it poops and hand it back to me. Teenagers are lazy, it is just a simple fact. When they leave after a weekend I spend half an hour putting away nailpolish bottles, video games and junk food wrappers. I don't need another person to cook for and clean up after.

Summer is when friends take holidays and people do most of there visiting. I don't want to drag a 13yr old with me everywhere. Sure, it's great for hubbie because he works all day, he won't have to put up with an MTV/MSN junkie. We already have his kids for 3 weeks in the summer, that is enough. When they are here it's alot of work for me cooking, cleaning and entertaining them. Maybe I should go away for a weekend so he can refresh his memory?

The best part is that he did this without asking me. That's right, I didn't get asked, I got told.

There isn't much I can do now except hope that it doesn't happen. As much as I love my own company, I think that hanging out with your stepmom and a poopy baby would lose it's luster after a while.

Boring you with details

2007-01-25T07:44:00.000-05:00

I got quite a few questions/comments on the name post so I'm going to bore you to tears with my obsessive analyzing of name choices.

Olivia - It's been my #1 choice all along but it's popularity is turning me off. In one sense, no name will ever be as popular as Jennifer in the 70's so if I can live through it, so can my kid. The big turn off is that our last name is difficult and I would hate for her to have to use it just to differentiate herself.

Sophia - my second choice. If I had twin girls they would have been Olivia and Sophia. I got a birth announcement from a friend yesterday- the babies name is Sophia. Crap!

Vitalena - this one has a story. First of all, it's my husband's Grandmothers name. Secondly, it's my MIL's MIL's name - and my MIL HATED her MIL as much as I hate my MIL (did you follow that). It would be fun to piss her off by naming the baby after a person that she hated. Putting my pettiness aside, I love the name "Lena" (but won't use it because it starts with the letter L) so this gives me a way to call my daughter Lena without that being her full name. Plus it is so unique that I never heard it before I asked my husband what his Grandmothers name was. But....is it too unique? So much so that it will embarrass a child?

Samantha - this is my childhood "I'll name my daughter this someday" name.

Veronica - I really like the full name but not the short forms. Vern or Roni? I'd hate to be one of those people that insists on my child being called by there full name.

Vanessa - I really like this too but it doesn't have a short form so it's always kinda formal sounding.

As my poor husband will attest to, I am not easy to please. I want a name that is somewhat unique, but not weird, and it's gotta have both a long and short form that I like.

For boys, some of your suggestions I like, others not so much...

Alexander - this one is underlined in my baby name book and hearing so many of you suggesting it makes me like it even more. Even the short form has 2 syllables so it passes all the tests.

Zachary - this is my crazy neighbor's stepson's name - no way!

Ryan - my brothers name, can't do that in case he wants to name a son after himself.

Joshua - already 2 in the family

Franklyn - everybody brings up the whole turtle cartoon thing so I think my husband was right to veto it.

Sebastian - I really like it but it doesn't have a short form. (my husband thought "seabass" was a cool short form - ha ha ha, very funny)

Daniel - I like it but your right, the two "l"'s melt together. So the name cannot start or end with an L - damn, another rule.

Spencer - I used to call my little brother that because I treated him like my butler and I'm sure used to watch a tv show that had a butler named Spencer.

Felix - is the name of my MIL's dog. I know, stupid name for a dog but that rules it out as a possible name.

Andrew - hmmm, Andy - I think I like that. It just made it's way onto the short list.

Aiden - that's not bad either and kind of sounds Scottish which would bring in my heritage. Another addition to the short list.

So far all girls names end with A and all boys names start with A. At least I'm following a theme.

I'm really hoping this kid comes out with one of those "Hello, my name is ...." stickers.

I didn't leave

2007-01-24T19:59:00.000-05:00

I don't know what happened to my blog for a few days there, it was just gone. Putting up a new post seems to have solved the problem. I'm not the type to break up just by disappearing, not that we are breaking up or anything.

I've relaxed a bit on the whole "small" thing. There is nothing I can do about it and I don't think it's crazy small, maybe 2 inches behind in length? (this is my estimate looking at the ultrasound and assuming what the numbers on the side mean).

I have an obesssive name post coming your way now that this damn blog is working again!

The first hint of worry

2007-01-19T21:36:00.000-05:00

The baby is small. This is the first real sign of worry I've had so far and it's hit me hard. I know that small is o.k., lots of small babies survive just fine but for some reason it scares the hell out of me. My OB told me that IVF babies are typically small - that was something I didn't know. He said it's nothing for me to be concerned about, that's what he gets paid for. Oh, you don't have to pay me to get concerned, I'll do that for free.

When I used to hear people say "we don't care about the sex, as long as the baby is healthy", I would think - oh blah blah blah. I now understand the true meaning of that statement. Suddenly I don't have a care in the world other than the health of this baby. Nothing else is touching my radar.

I wish there was something I could do. I am eating healthy and taking my prenatal. Seeing that I've put on 32lbs, eating more isn't going to help. Dammit, what can I do? All I want to know is that the baby is o.k. because right now, it's hurting my heart to hear that there is anything to be concerned about.

p.s. - we aren't done talking about names but I'm not mentally in that place right now. I appreciate your suggestions and will over analyze the hell out of them, just give me a few days to wallow in my worry.

The Name Game

2007-01-16T20:57:00.000-05:00

I was surprised at your interest in my name choices. I don't mind sharing them with you but in return you have to be nice and you have to help me (bossy aren't I?).

For girls I have a good list:
Olivia
Sophia
Samantha
Vitalena (a Portuguese family name)
Vanessa
Veronica

In case you missed the theme, all of the names end in the letter "a". That wasn't intentional, it just happened. I've been told they are "snotty and stuck up" names. Whatever. I am neither snotty or stuck up so I guess I don't see it.

For boys, we are stumped. I really like Franklyn but hubbie has given it the vito. His son is already named after him so that option is out. My husbands last name only has one syllable so I want the first name to be at least 2, if not 3 or 4 syllables to balance it out. We like Trenton but it doesn't go with the last name. Taylor is on the list but that seems to have morphed into a girls name. Help - any suggestions for a boy?
Here are the rules:
It has to be minimum 2 syllables
Cannot start with the letter L
Must go with the last name L*opes (which everybody mispronounces L*opez)

The middle name is the one that gets alot of stupid comments. It will be my maiden name for either a boy or girl. No discussions, no arguments - that's what it is. People say things like "well, you can have two middle names". NO - one middle name which consists of my maiden name - period! I don't want my child to forget what my maiden name is, it's important to me.

So there you have it - the list o'names. Now, tell me how much you love them and help me with a boys name.

Miss Manners

2007-01-12T21:23:00.000-05:00

Don't try to guess how far along I am by looking at me

Don't call me "mamma" if your old enough to be my "dadda"

Don't ask me what I want to name the baby and then make a face that says "oh fuck, what are you thinking?"

Don't molest me (I didn't expect perfect strangers would rub me like a Buddha)

Don't call me fat (I'm talking to YOU MIL, not that she reads my blog)

Don't tell me it will be easier to get pregnant the second time - if sperm doesn't swim, it doesn't get any easier

Don't freak out when I tell you how much IVF costs, you asked

Don't comment on what I am eating, it's none of your damn business

Don't tell me your horror stories

Don't tell me what to do

Do tell me that I look fabulous

Do tell me that you love my choice of names

Do ask if there is anything you can do to help

Do give me sound advice, without making it preachy

Do offer me a brownie

Do leave a comment, it's delurking week

Exceeds Expectations

2007-01-10T19:32:00.000-05:00

Both my husband and I have exceeded each others expectations during this pregnancy.

Hubbie tells me that I have been alot better than he expected. This means one of two things. Either his ex-wife was such a raging bitch during her pregnancies that he expected the same from me. Or....I'm such a nasty bitch most of the time that he expected it to get worse during pregnancy. I think I'll go with option one.

Quite a while ago my husband told me that he is taking this opportunity (second chance at fatherhood) as a "do-over". He wants to do things right this time. Everything from being nicer to his pregnant wife to being more patient with his child. So far he is doing a great job. He rubs my feet (almost) every night and has started doing little things like emptying the dishwasher and folding laundry without being asked - a miracle I would have never thought possible. He is taking his "do-over" seriously and I am impressed.

The only complaint (because dammit, nobody's perfect) that I have about hubbie is his refusal to go to prenatal classes. He swears that it is the biggest waste of time/money and would rather poke his eye's out then go through it again. You can imagine how happy I am with this response? He obviously went with is ex-wife so the fact that he won't go with me is a kick in the ass. And....it was 15 years ago that he last went...is it possible some things have changed? I have grown tired of the arguing over something so stupid. I'm going alone and have warned him that there will be no questions - if he's going to act like an expert then he better be a damn expert.

Overall, our relationship is easier now then it ever has been. Since we met we have either been dealing with his divorce or our infertility. Right now, we are dealing with neither. We are married and I am pregnant. Life is good and I am doing my best to appreciate it (even if I have to sit alone in the stupid prenatal classes).

Blogaversary

2007-01-05T20:41:00.000-05:00

Today is my one year blog anniversary. Flowers are not necessary, although chocolates will be accepted.

If you had asked me 13 months ago what blogging was, I could have given you a simple answer that it was an on line diary although I had never read one. I found my first infertility blog through IVF Connections. It was Tertia (I wonder how many of us started by reading her blog?) . I was hooked right away. I read her archives as far back as I could in one night. From her site I followed link after link, Julie, Julia, Karen - the usual suspects. I dove into Julie's big list of blogs. What I found were infertile bloggers, and their new babies. While this gave me hope, I was concerned that I was the only newbie on the block. I kept searching and slowly I found a few people like me who were either starting out or had yet to finish there journey.

It was time to start my own blog. I had alot to say regarding my new infertility status and no one to talk to. I think I posted about 3 times a day in the beginning. Yeah, I needed an outlet. The first person to comment on my blog was Kimmer, I couldn't believe it, somebody actually stopped by my little old blog? DinoD helped hook me up with other new bloggers and soon I was working my way into an amazing support group. Up to that point, I was scared, angry and lonely. You helped change that. Sure, I was still angry and a little scared but one hell of alot less lonely.

Starting on the infertility journey with IVF ICSI is like taking a shot of tequila for your first drink. No clomid, no IUI - straight to the hard stuff. I didn't have a damn clue what I was doing but you girls and guys held my hand. You answered my stupid questions and let me ride your coat tails until I found my own footing. When my first cycle failed and I crashed from the high hopes of a newbie, you were my soft place. The place I trusted for comfort. When my frozen cycle worked, your ability to share in my excitement amazed me.

This started as an infertility blog and probably always will be one. We still have two frozen embryo's and I know we'll be making the trek into the city again one day. For now, I continue to hope and pray that this cycle is a true success and that we bring home a healthy baby this spring. It's been quite a year. I know I've been very lucky and wish I could say the same for everyone else who's been on this journey with me. I hope to continue to share your journeys until I move everyone down to the "other side" group of links someday.

Family Obligation = Complete

2007-01-01T22:07:00.000-05:00

Thanks to global warming, we managed to visit 100% of the family this Christmas season. The in-law visit went as it always does - too many people stuffed into a basement stabbing each other in the back. Christmas day was nice with hubbie and his kids. We visited my mom and Grandma which would kill me if I didn't love my Grams so much (why do mothers drive daughters so nuts?). We capped the season off with a visit to my dad/brothers today. Today was the highlight for me because it's the only visit that involves laughter and making fun of people to there face instead of behind there back.

My brothers and I had the annual "who shows more ass crack when bending over" contest. I didn't even come close to winning this year, my maternity pants aren't low rise. We listened to my dad's tales of athletic heroism. My favorite this year was his memory of being such a good jockey that when he raced horses they evened things up by having the horse ride him instead. We peed our pants laughing at the tiny youth sized pajama pants my brother bought his wife (wtf was he thinking?). The majority of the day was spent with people attempting to fart on each other and I was glad to be a participant this year instead of just a recipient.

Here is a picture of me and my brothers. The one isn't angry and the other isn't gay, they just love to strike a pose.

His t-shirt says "farmers feed cities" - apparently his '07 mission is to represent. Oh, and if you didn't notice, check the green grass out the window. My dad lives 5 minutes off Lake Huron in a major snowbelt area and there isn't a speck of snow on January 1st. If you haven't seen "inconvenient truth" yet, might I recommend it?

This was a banner holiday season:
Missed visit guilt = zero
Throwing up = no one (first time ever that the SK's didn't give us the stomach flu for Christmas)
New Years Resolutions = zero

I hope that you survived the holidays and that somehow, 2007 ends up being a better year for you than 2006. Even if '06 treated you well, better is always better.

p.s. - I've decided to follow the trend and switch from neocounter to mybloglog. I needed something new to keep me out of trouble.

Merry Christmas

2006-12-25T20:35:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas/Happy Hanukkah/Season Greetings to all my blogging friends. I hope you had a great day and if not, I hope it's almost over.

Hubbie spoiled me with a Canon Power Shot digital camera, battery recharger and matching photoprinter. I've figured out the camera (for the most part) but we'll leave the printer until tomorrow.

I have a candidate for worst Christmas present ever....
behold...
the three pronged battery operated marshmallow toaster

for those camp fire outings where you are too f'ing lazy to turn the stick yet think you need the caloric intake of 3 marshmallows. Nothing like taking a marshmallow off a metal stick either. We wouldn't want to use one of those old school wood sticks that don't peel back all 10 layers of skin upon contact. Thanks so much SIL!

Since I've got the new camera, a few gratuitous doggie pics...

My Mr.Big Man, Hercules (he feels pretty, oh so pretty)

and Mrs.Sweet Girl, Jasmine (she takes this bow shit very seriously)

Let me know if any of you can beat the marshmallow toaster, I'd be interested to know what's worse than that.

Thanks to dawnatello for the heads up on the worst christmas present contest.

Honeymoon Over

2006-12-21T11:07:00.000-05:00

I have read a few times that the 2nd trimester is the "honeymoon trimester" (unless of course you have HG). It's when you fall in love with being pregnant because the first trimester side effects start to diminish (nausea and extreme sense of smell) but the third trimester side effects (heartburn and general hugeness) have not started.

A few weeks ago somebody asked me about heartburn. My reply was that I've never had it so I don't know what it feels like. Holy shit, you know it when you have it. I swear that I was breathing fire last night. I am convinced that my stomach now resides 2 inches below my neck and that everything I eat just bubbles and churns in an effort to burn a hole in my heart. It wouldn't have anything to do with the week long potluck that has been going on in my office, would it?

As for hugeness? Yeah, I 'm huge. 25lbs so far with another 16 weeks to go. I swore that I wasn't going to gain more than 30lbs. Ha - ha - ha. I have a new goal of keeping it to 40lbs of weight gain but I'd hedge my bets that I'm nearing the 50lb mark by the time I deliver. I'm not quite as bummed about this as I was a few weeks ago. I am back to feeling thankful that I am pregnant, let alone having a fairly easy pregnancy. Easy being a relative term. I've lost weight many a times in my life and will probably just return to my old friend weight watchers at some point (I even have the prestigious life time membership).

I haven't seen my vagina in weeks. It seems to have been replaced by a bad toupee that is in dire need of a trim. It is impossible to maintain something that you cannot see.

I'm not sure what else the 3rd trimester will bring, I'll find out in a few weeks. Even though I'm still in love, the lust is gone and the honeymoon is over.

Brought to you by the letter "F"

2006-12-15T10:50:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted in a bit because I feel like such a miserable shit. It's Christmas. I should be happy and I'm not. I really don't like this time of year. I used to, prior to meeting my husband. Don't get me wrong, it's not his fault. The demands of his family and the back-forth with his kids during the holidays wears me the fuck out. Everybody tells me I'll have fun next year with the baby but all I see is people putting even more demands on me. So out of necessity, here is my Christmas fuck it list.

Fuck ex-wifes who can't get there shit together and want to change the schedule every other day

Fuck MIL's who think it's all about them

Fuck Christmas traffic, get out of my way

Fuck people who touch my belly without even asking

Fuck people who comment on every little thing I eat

Fuck this warm weather, it's Canada, where is my snow?

Fuck people who get drunk at the office lunch and act like assholes all afternoon

Fuck Christmas lights that go out if one bulb dies

Ohhhhh, somebody just brought me a piece of peanutbutter/oreo cheesecake. Fuck calories.

Care to add to the list or are you having more fun then I am?

by any other name...

2006-12-06T20:36:00.000-05:00

There are times in your life that you become the person that used to annoy you. I never understood people that made a big deal about correcting the pronunciation of there name. Really, what's it matter - you've got a hard name to say, just get over it. Well, I'm one of those people now.

I don't think I would care so much, but mispronouncing my (married) name turns it into the name of a very famous actress/singer/dancer (don't guess, I don't want the google hits). My husbands name is Portuguese, not Spanish. My rule on correcting people is whether or not I'll ever see/talk to the person again. If it's a one time event, I just laugh and let it go. If I think it's going to be a regular thing, I correct them. Some people really piss me off and don't believe me. I've even had one person admit that they thought I pronounced it my way (the correct way) because I was embarrassed by the name. No, that's how your supposed to say it you dyslectic fools. It would be one thing if we lived in the southern US with a high Spanish population but we live in Canada. Pronounce it the way it's spelled goddammit! Put a French accent on it and you'd be closer to pronouncing it correctly.

Now that we are past the half way mark, the name discussions have begun. It's not easy with our last name. With my maiden name (which you know if I've ever sent you an email) it would have been so easy - you could slap Bob or Sue in front of it and be done. Not the case with my husbands name. We have to consider the constant mispronunciation and the ethnicity of the last name. I come from a Scottish background but Murdoch or Mildred just wouldn't fit with the surname. No amount of baby name or web searching is helping. The fact that we aren't finding out the sex doesn't make it any easier either.

I really should have convinced him to take my last name.

p.s. - if my biggest problem is a baby name, that means life is pretty good right now.

Smarshy got it right. Really though, it wasn't that hard - my blog title + singer/actress/dancer + first name Jennifer. Now that you know my last name, if anybody has any baby name suggestions, I'd love to hear them.

He licks my belly

2006-12-01T17:12:00.000-05:00

No, that's not a typo - he licks my belly.
I am talking about
.
.
.

not my husband. My Hercules knows what is going on, I'm sure of it. He is ultra-sucky with me these days. Anytime I have my shirt off (which is often around the house as I am hot as hell), he licks my belly.

Licks=kisses=love
I think he is trying to tell the baby that he loves him/her. I know - maybe I'm taking it too far but those with Berners might not disagree with me. There aren't many breeds of dogs that love kids the way they do.

p.s. - went to the dr. today. She noticed the weight gain. Said that sometimes that happens and as long as it's a blip and not a trend, I shouldn't worry. Next weigh in is 7 days after Christmas. Shit.

p.s. again - did my face really used to be that skinny? Shit.

Update - you sick buggers were just trying to get me to taste my belly lotion weren't you? It tastes like shit.

Never Alone

2006-11-28T18:00:00.000-05:00

Here's something I haven't told you before...sometimes I am scared to read the comments on a post. I care too much about what people think. My last post came from a pretty raw spot and I was worried that you would all tell me to eff off and stop my bitching. It wasn't until this morning that I read the comments on my body image post. Mony is right, you girls are so nice.

Maybe it's the hormones, but you made me cry. Sometimes I feel like my thinking is way out of line and I must be the only one having these crazy thoughts. As usual, I was wrong (which is a good thing) and I am not the only one. Your stories of your own struggles made me feel much better. Not only am I having body image problems but I'm beating myself up for having them. I wanted so badly to be pregnant, shouldn't I just shut up and enjoy every pound I put on? Maybe I don't love my fat ass but I don't feel so bad about not loving it.

The comments that touched me so much were from my friends still on there journey. The fact that you didn't tell me to eff off and be happy is amazing. You not only tolerate my bitching but you let me know that you can empathize. I also really appreciate hearing the stories of pregnancy weight loss. I hope that breast feeding is the answer to "will I ever fit into these pants again?". Thank god I am not the only one that doesn't fit into clothes I bought last week. Can pants shrink before you even wash them?

I should realize by now that I'm never alone. I guess I need to be reminded sometimes. It feels weird to say "I love you guys" and not be drunk.

Body Image

2006-11-24T17:33:00.000-05:00

For someone that has struggled with body image her entire life, pregnancy is an odd state.

My weight has fluctuated greatly over the years. I started out slightly chubby in high school and was pretty big by the time I finished college. Add one year of office work and I was 190lbs, size 16. The fear of tipping the scales at 200lbs put me on track to losing the weight. In 1999 I lost 55lbs through working out and a decent diet. I met my husband about half way through the weight loss phase (so I know he likes me just fine if I'm a little chubby). There have been two major weight fluctuations since: when I quit smoking in 2003 I put on about 30lbs and when I got the infertility diagnosis I put on 15lbs (in 2months!). Other than that, I tend to fluctuate in about a 10lbs range. I get down to my goal weight, feel great and then pop back up 10lbs and get it back down again.

Some people that have only known me in the last 7 years think I'm the type of person that's always been thin. They couldn't be more wrong. I am in a constant battle with my desire to binge eat. I can knock off 1,500 calories in a one sitting easily. A bag of chip nuts alone would take care of that. God I love chip nuts. What is more perfect then wrapping a chip around a nut?

I started out the first three months of pregnancy with some pretty nasty nausea and ended up losing a few pounds (nothing drastic like our dear friend Beth). Since week 14, my appetite has come back and I am sad to say that I feel out of control. At first, I was just so happy to feel like eating again that I felt I deserved a few treats. That is where it always starts, "deserving a few treats". I should recognize that and not even let it happen. I am gaining weight at the rapid pace of about 2lbs per week. I know pregnancy isn't about dieting or losing weight, that was never my goal, but I was hoping for the average 1lb per week. At the rate of 2lbs per week I'm going to put on 50-60lbs with this pregnancy and that makes me want to cry. I've gone through losing weight so many times before that I really don't want to put myself in a worse position then I need to be. I'm all for gaining the recommended 25-35lbs. 50-60? Not cool.

I am only at 20 weeks now. Half way. I have to regain control before I end up hating my pregnant body. Growing belly - great. Huge boobs - fine. Expanding thighs and ass, not great. Ballooning face, totally shitty. I am not suggesting that I should lose the weight I've gained so far. Just getting back into the normal range of 1lb per week for the remaining 20 weeks would make me happy.

I want to feel good about myself and enjoy my growing body. It's not quite as easy as I thought it would be. None of this is.

When did I get old?

2006-11-20T20:50:00.000-05:00

I know I'm in my 30's now (31 to be exact) but when the hell did I morph myself from cool hip young chick to old mom type? It couldn't have been in the last 4 months alone. Stepchildren have aged me. My stepchildren are teenagers now (14-12-10). I'm doing mom type stuff that is way too old for me.

Christmas shopping for teenagers is quite the experience. I was in a tweeny jewelry store shopping for jewelry/lip gloss for the 12yr old. Without even thinking about it, I said to the cashier "man, I remember when I used to shop here for myself". She laughed, but really, it's like it happened over night. One day I'm in there ohhing and ahhing over the dangly earrings and the next day I don't know what's cool so I'm asking a 13yr old customer in the store "would you wear this?"

The skateboard store made me feel like I should be using a walker and keep scotch mints in my purse. I swear I heard the punk bitches who work there scoff when I walked in. I think I saw them do paper/rock/scissors for which one had to deal with me. I asked if they had high top converse shoes (I swear I could probably dig a pair out of the back of my closet if I looked hard enough). They did but not in the color I wanted. I asked if they did indeed make them in them in pink or if my efforts were futile - of course they make them in pink you old shit head, we just don't sell them in that color because everything in this effing store is black (I know that's what she wanted to say).

The record store wasn't much better. Really, do boys wear that much make-up these days? I think it's nothing but a brilliant marketing ploy. The video game stores were just a piss off. Now is not the time of year to ignore women, we are probably shopping for our husbands or sons. I was only dropping several hundred $$ on an xbox36*, don't worry about me - keep waiting on that pimply faced shit head who wants to buy a $20 used game.

I'm not ready to be old yet and I'm not going down without a fight. It's not over until the day I hear myself say "do you have any high waist jeans, tapered leg preferably".

and then there were two

2006-11-14T22:06:00.000-05:00

This post is going to sound very selfish to those of you who are trying for your first. You might want to skip this one.

I spend alot of time thinking about our two remaining embryo's. We would really like two children. When it comes to this pregnancy, I think that we got lucky. The fresh cycle with the "perfect" embryo's didn't work. For the frozen cycle, they had to thaw 4. One of them didn't make it through the thaw and only one of the remaining three had started to divide again - I assume that's the one that stuck. What are the chances of getting a second pregnancy out of the two remaining embryo's? Slim to none. Judging from our last frozen cycle, there is a pretty good chance that neither of them would be dividing by transfer, let alone make it through the thaw.

We will have to try of course. I couldn't just leave the two of them there, especially when we do want a second child, but I don't think there is much hope for them. We probably won't be able to do a fresh IVF cycle. My husbands sperm is in a deteriorating state (it can't be frozen do to such low quality) so the chances that there will be any available sperm in 2yrs is again, slim to none. Those two little frosties are likely our only chance at a second child.

I am rarely happy in the present because I am too busy worrying about the future. I need to stop it. I need to just enjoy this pregnancy and not worry if there is ever another one. We are incredibly lucky (a funny kind of lucky as Meg says) to be here in the first place.

What will be will be. I wish I was the kind of person that thought that way.

It's Never Easy

2006-11-10T21:00:00.000-05:00

Too many blog friends are leaving. Hope is gone and so is their blog. I don't know if survivor guilt is the right word. What I feel is an unbelievable desire to do something, anything to help. But I can't, and that is what leaves the feeling that gets described as guilt. There is nothing I want more than for my friends to reach there dream, by whatever means possible. If I could do anything to help, trust me that I would.

You might be wondering the purpose of my poll. I asked myself that question a few weeks ago and really didn't know. According to wikipedia, my husband and are still infertile:
" Infertility is the inability to naturally conceive a child or carry a pregnancy to full term"

Here are a few ways, other than wikipedia's definition, that I've come up with to tell you that yes, you are still infertile if your pregnant....
- you spend more time thinking about your frozen embryo's then decorating a nursery
- the question "how many are you going to have" stings almost as bad as "when are you going to have one"
- you constantly wonder when you'll wake up from this dream and find yourself with a gonal pen in your hand
- you try to figure out how you'll afford IVF and day-care in the future
- you wonder if your husband will have any viable sperm left to do IVF in a few years (or viable eggs, take your pick)

The sad truth is that pregnancy does not take away the hurt and sting of infertility. It does lesson it, but it doesn't go away.

Eye's Wide Shut

2006-11-03T18:45:00.000-05:00

As far as this pregnancy goes, I'm doing the equivalent of sticking my fingers in my ears and singing "lalalalalalalala".

I've seen a few of my other Canadian blogging friends suffer through genetic testing. I think we made the right decision to skip it. When my doctor asked me about it, she asked me in the context of being pro-choice or not. The question took me by surprise. I might be pro-choice but you'd have to tell me this baby was an alien that was chewing my guts from the inside out for me to terminate the pregnancy. My husband and I talked about it and decided against the worry. Even if the testing came back positive for any possible birth defects, we wouldn't do an amino because bottom line, we wouldn't terminate. I think I'll just stick my fingers in my ears and sing lalalalala and hope that everything is alright.

Same goes for the sex of the baby - lalalalalalala. This isn't about it being a surprise, it's about knowing myself too well. There is a good chance we will only have one child (another post, another day) so if I find out the sex, I'll probably spend the rest of the pregnancy being sad about things I'll miss out on with the sex we are not having. I honestly don't care if it's a girl or boy, but I love to worry and be sad about stupid shit so I am sure that's what would happen. Once it's actually here, I'm not going to care at all as long as it's healthy.

Is the baby healthy? I hope so. What's the sex? I don't know. If you need me, I'll be in the corner rocking back and forth with my fingers in my ears.

Crazy Train

2006-11-01T19:45:00.000-05:00

For lack of a better post right now, an update on the crazy people in my life.

Crazy Peyton'esque neighbour. She continue's to use the word "we" in reference to my pregnancy. Last night she popped over to show me her funny halloween wig (really, how old are you?) and mentioned that next year will be so much fun because "we" can take the baby out. Ummm, no, if everything goes well it will be me and Hubby taking the little one out. I've been pretty good at brushing her off but she's the type to ring the doorbell and peak in the window so she's hard to hide from.

The evil MIL. There have been some up's and downs. She continue's to use the word "fat" in reference to my body, I really wish she would master the English language. She bought me a pure white crib set - complete with unsafe bumper pads and lacy comforter. Does she not read Tertia? Has she never heard of grobags? I explained to her that while the set is not safe, I also don't want to spend my lifetime scrubing shit stains out of white sheets. MIL was very very upset but returned the set at my insistance. She has since redeemed herself and bought me the peg perego cadillac of high chairs - now that's what I'm talking about!

SIL. I haven't mentioned her in a long time. My brother got married in May. I don't LOVE his wife but since I do love my brother, I need to do my best to form a relationship with her. SIL offered to throw me a shower and I mistakenly accepted. She is ultra-controlling/very organized. She pushed me into doing my registry weeks ago because trying to organize a shower without a registry was giving her palpatations. The shower isn't until March (thus - controlling and organized). She just told me where she wants to have the shower - miles away from anybody that would be invited, yet around the corner from her. I've told her that I don't think many will show up at that location which has lead to 4 days of silence from her (controlling!!!!). She's a sweet girl but damn, she needs to relax. She's going to work herself into a heart attatck before she's 25.

My Grandma has a favorite saying "weddings and funerals bring out the worst or best in people - depending on the person". I think I'll add pregnancy to the list.

Yesterday

2006-10-27T20:37:00.000-04:00

One year ago yesterday was the anniversary of the day we got our infertility diagnosis. It's hard not to remember because it was one of the most painful day's of my life. I was gobsmacked by the word IVF, even more so by our narrow prospects for success, not to mention the cost. I spent 3 days in a dark room mourning the loss of our ability to conceive "naturally". I feel remorseful now at my behavior. I spent way too much time blaming my husband. My stepchildren were at our house that weekend and I could barely look at them without crying, the seeds of my husbands now defunked body.

When I look back, I was very naive to think there was any other path. After the vas-reversal (Feb'04) the first semen count showed 5 million sperm with only 5% alive. That is a 1/4 of a million live sperm. I don't think that's even enough for IUI. I still wonder why the urologist (one of the top in Canada) had us try on our own for over a year. I sadly believed in the "it only takes one theory" so we gave it our best shot every month. By August '05 we had begun the testing stage at the infertility clinic. We went through the full gammit - HSG, Day 3, 21 and 24 bloodwork, STD tests, and a full semen analysis. We got the results on October 26, 2005. Up until that point I full expected the problem to be me. When they gave us the semen analysis results we were shocked. Two washes were done. One came up with zero sperm - the other came up with 400 sperm that didn't swim and were barely alive. The tears started to flow immediately.

My husband handled the news much differently then me. He thought DS IUI was the best, and most economical, option. This angered me greatly. He already had 3 biological children so I don't think he felt, or understood, my grief. After a solid month of depression and eating my way through the pain (8lbs in one month), we decided to refinance our mortgage and give IVF a try. From January on, my life as an infertile has been recorded in this blog.

Looking back, this journey that I was so angry to be on, has improved my life. I have made so many new friends. I started seeing a naturopathic doctor who remains a friend and a great source of advice. We almost got involved in a documentary, which was cancelled, but I've remained close with the producer. I've lost a few friends, who I probably should have ditched a long time ago. I've learned how to get through the grief of loss. My husband and I learned how to grieve together. I found out that I'm one hell of alot braver than I thought I was (IVF - me - are you kidding?). I could have handled things differently/better but I did the best I knew how to.

You have shared this journey with me. We've cried together, educated each other, given hugs across the world and become such good friends. I can't imagine getting through this last year without having you in my life. Thank you.

What the books didn't tell me

2006-10-24T22:43:00.000-04:00

There have been some things that have occurred over the last 16 weeks that I didn't expect. I feel the need to ~~gross you out~~ record them in case I ever do this again (discussion for another day).

Hair. A few unusual things have been going on with my hair. The hair on my head now grows at about the rate of an inch per month. No complaints, I want it ponytail long again by the spring anyway. Another hair miracle is that my Tom Selleck mustache seems to have disappeared. I haven't waxed in 6 weeks which would normally leave me mannish looking but all I have is a discreet womanly amount of upper lip hair. Surprise - there are some good side effects. Note - the mustache is not due to PCOS, it's due to a boy named Darcy that told me I had a mustache in grade 8 which lead to 2yrs of shaving it with my dad's bic razer.

The dreams. I've always been a dreamer but since about 6 weeks, I've dreamed so vividly that I can usually remember the dream hours, if not days later. I don't think I ever reach a deep sleep because my mind is so active. Sometimes the dream is just stupid but sometimes it's scary or leaves me feeling pissed off at somebody for something they never actually did. Either way, they feel real and I'd much rather not have them.

Constipation. I know this is a common side effect but I didn't expect it to be this bad. Nothing I do keeps me regular - nothing. No amount of prune juice, blueberry's or high fiber cereal will bring me back to that comforting place of a regular morning poop. Most my friends say that this didn't happen until the 3rd trimester so I am pretty effing scared that it's only going to get worse.

My beagle like sense of smell. The books warned me about this but I didn't realize how bad it could get. Everything from the grocery store to feeding my dogs has become a struggle. The worst is the smell of smoke. The lady in accounting that smokes 2 packs a day and bathes in perfume is going to kill me.

Drool. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night with drool running down my face. I have chalked this up to the increased saliva and my inability to swallow enough while I'm sleeping. It's gross no matter what the cause.

A return to my teen years completion. The only difference is that the zits moved from my forehead to my chin.

It's funny how many people tell you about the nausea and maybe the constipation but they forget the rest of this good stuff until you remind them. I guess the mind works to protect itself or people would never have more than one.

p.s. - for those that want to know how far along I am, I am 16 weeks today. I am looking for a plain weeks counter I can add to my site, if I find one I'll put it in the side bar in the next few days.

Good Day

2006-10-19T17:10:00.000-04:00

Today was a good day. Ultrasound day. Well, mostly good.

1 litre (32oz) of water is an ungodly amount. I was allowed to empty a cup full and still had a bladder that was much fuller than need be. How big of a bladder do you have to have to actually require that much water? Rain and a 30 min car ride didn't help.

The U/S tech asked me why I was there. I gave her a "huh"? She said that I really shouldn't be in for a scan until 20 weeks so she was wondering if I knew why my Dr. sent me early. I have no idea. She mumbled something about my doctor and said she'd do some measurements but I'd have to come back in 5 weeks for the full check. Whatever, I'm going to pee on your table so let's do this thing.

Seeing that little bugger - wow. It's amazing that in 7 weeks it's gone from looking like a kidney bean to a very large headed baby. It behaved and did the obligatory hand wave. In fact, it's a very active little bugger so it was fun to see it moving around. Other than being told our cycle had worked, this is only the second time in my life that I've cried happy tears. 10 fingers, 10 toes and the poutiest little mouth I've ever seen - it looks like I'm carrying Mick Jaggers love child. 5 inches of damn cute - only 15 or so more inches to go (ouch).

If you'd like to see a pic of the scan, here is the link
jenny's munchkin. It's a profile and yes, those are giant lips on the baby's face.

Water Torture

2006-10-16T18:40:00.000-04:00

I have resisted going into too many stories about my MIL because every one of them is a ripple in the pond. On there own, the actions she undertakes could be defendable and explained. As a grouping, they are Chinese water torture.

Remember a few weeks back when she rambled on about how skinny and yellow I was? Apparently, two weeks later I am "a little bit fat". Realllyyyy? This from a woman that carries at least an extra 100lbs in her breasts? I have enough body image issue's to deal with already, calling me fat doesn't help. In fact, no matter how much weight a woman puts on during pregnancy she should never ever be referred to as fat.

That was another small example, a drop of water on my soaking wet head. What I have next is a glaring "oh no she didn't" example as to why I am dangerously close to using the word "hate" as far as my MIL is concerned. The story...

Last year my in-laws went to Portugal for 5 weeks. When they came back, MIL said was done travelling because it's too hard on her with all her pills and medication, she worries too much about getting sick away from home. Then MIL announced that she wanted to send the 5 of us (me, hubbie and his 3 children) to Portugal in 2 or 3 years instead of her doing more travelling. Great - we have all been looking forward to this for over a year now. Sounds good right? What's my damn problem?

We got a call from the ex yesterday. MIL called the ex and asked her if she could have the kids for 3 weeks in the summer to take them to Portugal - HERSELF!!!! We had to find out from ex that we have been uninvited and that she wants to take the kids herself? What an embarrassment, what a slap in the face. According to the ex, the kids were really upset and told there mom that they thought we were taking them, not there grandparents. The oldest is already refusing to go. She knows what it will be - 3 weeks of them being paraded around from old persons house to old persons house, listening to people speak in Portuguese about them (but nobody will translate)and standing in front of things so there grandma can take pictures. They know it would be hell on earth.

I am so mad at MIL, you have no idea. Hubbie hasn't even called her yet because he knows he's going to freak out. How can anybody be so ignorant? For her to call and ask the ex and not even tell us? I don't know how I will forgive her for this one.

You might wonder what she was thinking. I can figure it out. MIL has obviously changed her mind and wants to go to Portugal with the kids. She thinks she can skirt around us by calling the ex and getting her to say yes. Once she gets her "yes" she thinks there is nothing we can do about it (despite the fact we have joint custody). What she doesn't know is that the ex doesn't like her (although the ex kisses MIL's ass). Anytime MIL does something wacky like this, the ex just calls hubbie and has him deal with it for her.

At this point, she is causing me so much stress that I am going to have to remove her from my life for my own health and well-being. Considering the fact that she is obsessed with her grandchildren (and grandchild-to-be) this is going to be a struggle in of itself. For some reason, the movie "Throw Mama from the Train" is stuck in my memory right now.

This is getting old fast

2006-10-13T17:24:00.000-04:00

I am so sick of people bitching to me about the current maternity leave benefit. In Canada, a woman can take up to a year off. This was changed from 6 months about 5yrs ago and back in the old days, it was 3 months. The monetary benefit you receive is 55% of your salary less income tax and employment insurance benefits (we pay insurance premium on our insurance payment - huh?). The kicker is that there is a cap on the amount you receive. If your like me and the main bread winner in the household, this cap is a real kick in the ass.

Because most of my friends have children over 5yrs old, they didn't get the year - they got 6 months. Oh do they love to bitch. It must be sooooo nice, I get a whole year off. Sure, it will be nice but we'll be eating fucking kraft diner for every meal so we can afford it. I am not sure how I am going to handle the extra expense of a baby while my income is about 40% of what it normally is. All of my friends are the secondary earners (while earning about the same as me) but they don't bother to think of that.

The worst is the old timers. They only got 3 months and probably even shittier benefits. They forget that not as many woman worked 40-50 years ago as they do now. If the woman did work, the number of them were the primary earners were few and far between. One woman I work with likes to blame her sons current employment insurance woe's (he accidentally burnt down his house and can't work due to burns on his body) on pregnant women. That's right - for some reason it's our fault that her son is having trouble with his claim. You see, since we get our benefits just handed to us, it makes it harder for everybody else (huh?).

Then there are my employers. My managers are stepping all over labor laws at my peril. I have been asked "so are you taking the FULL year" by our CEO in a room full of managers (the meeting topic was not my maternity leave). I have been told many times by my manager that his wife only got 3 months (I don't give a shit - 4 kids x 3 months = 1 year). I have been told by a few different managers that the company owner was back in 2 days after giving birth - well fuck me, sorry I'm not a billionaire that can leave whenever the hell I want. One of the smarter managers is constantly reminding them that they are walking a fine line by saying this shit but that doesn't stop them. They are trying to guilt me into coming back sooner because I'm the only person that does my job. In fact, even though my manager has known I was pregnant since mid-August (because he knew I was doing IVF), they have yet to make a single plan. Maybe if they don't do anything I'll realize they can't live without me - do I sound like I care?

I will own up to the fact that I am sensitive to the things people say. I could just let it roll off my back and say "ha ha, fuck you - I get a year off" but that's not how I feel. When they try to blame the current system on me, I feel violated. I feel especially violated because I don't see it as an ideal situation. After spending about $15,000 to make this baby (I know alot of you have spent more) how do you think my savings look going into this maternity leave? If you guessed non-exsistant you'd be right. If I had it my way, we would have gotten pregnant the good ol'fashioned "free" way, my husband would be the primary earner and I could consider working part time or not at all. As it stands, none of those things are options and I'll probably have to get a large line of credit to get me through the year.

These people are wearing me out, I'm going to need a year off!

You know you live in Canada when

2006-10-12T18:33:00.000-04:00

It's so warm on Sunday that you give your dogs a bath outside with the garden hose....

and it's a freaking snow blizard on Thursday.

Even my weather'ho looks cold today. It's too early for winter, wahhhhhhhh

The Hand that Rocks the Craddle

2006-10-10T22:35:00.000-04:00

Maybe I saw this movie a few too many times but my new neighbor is flipping me out. Let me give you some background....

They moved next door a few months ago. My husband used to work with the guy so they hit it off right away. She's nice enough but she's one of those people that tries too hard and wants to be your best friend right away. I'm a bit of a loner myself. I'm not the type that gets together for "coffee" with the neighbor on a regular basis and I prefer walking with my ipod over trying to make idol chit chat. It was working fine at first because she worked nights and I work days so I never really saw her anyway. Then she got a new job.

Now I am terrified to go outside to work on my garden or pick up dog crap because if I do, she is out there within 2 min making chat and asking me to come over. Hello - I'm in the middle of doing shit (literally). Once I get my momentum going, the last thing I want to do is take a break. She has even taken to watching out the window for me to come home (or else she knows the sound of my car) because as soon as I pull in the laneway, she's hanging out the front door to chat.

Granted, we have some stuff in common. We are both stepmom's who deal with ex-wives and don't have children (yet). She just found out I'm pregnant and things have gone from weird to creeping me fucking out.

She is childless by choice. She told me that her guy offered to reverse his vasectomy but because she is 39, she thought she was too old (her words, not mine) so they decided not to. She did tell me that she is sad she won't ever have a baby so I guess she's regretting the decision a bit and hearing about my post-vas reversal pregnancy is probably bring those emotions out. Here's where it gets creepy. In the last week she has made the following comments:

It's like I get to have a baby too
I think I'm more excited about this than you are
I can help you all the time, you can just bring the baby over to my house
Maybe I'll get a play pen for at my house
Can I touch your belly (I'm 14 weeks - get real)

It's the bringing the baby over to her house bit that freaks me out. I hardly know this woman and she's already planning that I'll bring the baby over to her house all the time so I can nap. In my humble opinion, offering help consists of making a casserole for us once a week or coming over to MY house for 10 min so I can take a shower. It does not involve this being "our" baby and her buying a play pen.

Maybe I'm just paranoid but this woman is giving me the "Peyton" creeps.

Update:
The creepiness continues. Peyton rang my doorbell 2min after I got home yesterday. She wanted me to go to Yoga with her but I managed to convince her that only prenatal yoga is safe for me. She managed to turn it into a conversation about labor and suggested that "we kick hubbie out and she can give me a hand". How does a person even work that kind of shit into normal conversation? I had to remind her that of the three of us (her, hubbie and me) that hubbie is the pro.

I like Smarshy's idea because I'm telling you, I can drop a stink bomb these days like nobody can. They deserve to be followed up by "that's what I'm talking about".

Thanksgiving

2006-10-08T22:10:00.000-04:00

It's thanksgiving Sunday here in Canada. I have no idea why ours is so much earlier than in the US but a day off (tomorrow) is a day off. I'm doing the diner at my house. My turkey, stuffing and gravy really are too darn good. My entire family will be here. Both of my brothers (one is home from BC), SIL, my dad (and girlfriend), my mom and grandma. This is the first time in 14yrs that my mom, dad and two brothers have sat and eaten at the same table (my parents separated 14yrs ago). Also, MIL, FIL and SIL are coming and we have the kids this weekend. Fifteen people all together - what was I thinking?

I was going to tell you guys about the drama with MIL and her wanting to bring a birthday cake for SIL (really - a birthday cake for thanksgiving?) but I think it's better to be grateful for today. I'll save the cake story for another day.

Things I am grateful for:

The obvious, my growing belly
My husband, who is more tolerant than I ever knew
My stepchildren who I think love me as much as I love them
Having my family all together on one day
The shiny prettiness of freshly bathed dogs
Beautiful fall days where the sun shines and it's warmer than it should be
Having you as my friend in this journey

Happy Thanksgiving!

It had me at SWOOSH

2006-10-05T21:52:00.000-04:00

Warning - overly happy post.

I went for my first full prenatal exam on Tuesday. I didn't really know what to expect. It was the standard - height, weight, blood pressure, boob poke, cooter poke....but then, she brought it out - the sound thingy. She rubbed gel all over my belly and started to search. At first it just sounded like static but then there it was, clear as a bell "swoosh swoosh - swoosh swoosh". I saw the heartbeat at the first ultrasound but hearing it was something totally different. I've tried to remain slightly detached up until now (for self preservation) but I fell head over heels in love at the sound of the swoosh.

My next ultrasound is two weeks away. According to the IF clinic, I am 13w2days today but my doctor thought I "felt like" 14 weeks so we'll see. I can't imagine the IF clinic was wrong but if I've skipped a week - yippee! I am feeling a bit better. The constant puke feeling in my throat is gone but the nausea remains. I never did get the super tired feeling. Constipation and gas are probably my worst side effects so far. Knowing what poor Beth and Maneula are going through, I have nothing to complain about so I'll try not to.

One Year

2006-10-01T11:35:00.000-04:00

Today is our first wedding anniversary. To say the first year of marriage is difficult has a totally different meaning for a couple that finds out they are infertile 3 weeks after their wedding. I actually had the HSG two days before the wedding (not smart now that I think back on it). We have come so far, not only is it our anniversary but I am now in the second trimester. There couldn't be a better gift. As difficult as this first year has been, I wouldn't change a thing. My husband and I both learned patience and bravery we didn't know we had. We learned to grieve and celebrate together. We learned to be a team.

I'm going to reminisce a bit....

My husband and I met in 1999. We got engaged on my 26th b-day in 2001. I spent four years wearing an engagement ring, waiting for his divorce. To say I was bitter at times is an understatement. The ring was thrown at him only once, I hurt him too badly when I did that. During the engagement we bought and sold our first house, moved into our second house and reversed hubbie's vasectomy. His (lack of) divorce was not going to hold back our lives.

Near the end of June 2005, our lawyer told us we could expect the divorce papers anyday. It took about 2 minutes for me to decide that we were getting married that year. We already had my brothers wedding (me as bridesmaid) and hubbie's best friends wedding (him as best man) in 2006 so I thought it would be best if we squeezed our wedding into 2005.

I did the craziest thing a person can do when they only have 3 months to plan - decided to do it all myself. No hall or golf club for me. I wanted a tent - which means getting your own liquor license, bartender, booze, table/linen/chair rentals, making your own centerpieces - everything. I even screwed myself on the wedding party. The maid of honor had a baby July 7 and my two stepdaughters were the bridesmaids - I love them but there weren't many tasks I could assign to my wedding party. Every single night and weekend became a wedding activity. From polishing the oil lamps I bought for centerpieces to making tags for the flower vases (thank you gifts) and curling the ribbon on them myself. We didn't have a caterer until 6 weeks prior. I got lucky that my hairdresser had a cancelled wedding that same day. I found somebody to do my nails 3 days before the wedding. We never did get around to ordering a cake (nobody noticed).

Planning a tent wedding with a strapless dress for October 1 in Canada is risky. I became obsessed with the weather. The two week forecast showed me a cool day with rain. I got a 24 degree (75f) day with full sun, not a cloud in site. It was the most beautiful warm fall day you can imagine. All of the plans fell into place and the day went perfectly. Sure, there were a few glitches. The cooler we were using was set to low and we almost froze the bouquets - we did freeze the veggies we had cut for the midnight snack table. There was no wedding cake. My dad's girlfriend refused to sit in the first row with my mother so my dad sat off to the side. Those were minor problems compared to the success of all our hard work.

I have nothing but beautiful memories of the day. The pictures were easy and relaxing (we did them before the wedding). The caterer was amazing and the food was fabulous. The desert table was so perfect that nobody noticed we were missing a cake. We estimated pretty well on the alcohol and didn't run out of anything. If I did it all again, I wouldn't change a thing.

Your probably sick of seeing my wedding pics on the flickr banner but just in case your not, here a few you haven't seen before....

The tent - decorated (by the wedding party) and ready to go

Husband and Wife

The parents (including evil MIL beside Hubbie)

(I would still like to know what possessed my mother to wear the same color dress as mine)

I love my husband even more today than I did one year ago. Hopefully the second year of marriage brings us even more joy.

Lost: Patience

2006-09-25T18:40:00.000-04:00

We told the kids (hubbie's 3) about there impending brother/sister on the weekend. They were super excited and started fighting over baby names right away. Somehow in the conversation, we started talking about MIL's el catra (Portuguese Pork Roast) that makes me sick. SD mentioned that MIL was bringing over a pot of it on the weekend, but not for me, for her mom. Wow - was that my patience for MIL and her love of ex-wifey flying out the window? This is about me people - not your mom or whatever MIL is cooking for her. MEEEEEEE!

O.K., so sometimes the whole second wife thing sucks.

My patience for MIL is at an all time low. It's at an all time low for everything but since she grates my nerves on a good day, I think were at the bottom of the bucket for her. You may remember this post, where I found out that she doesn't really want me to have a baby anyway. You can imagine my evil anticipation for telling her that yes - her first born son will have children with two different woman - mwahhahahahahaha.

Sunday, she entered my house and immediately proclaims that I have lost weight and look like shit (I've lost 4lbs people - not really noticeable). Thanks, I needed that. She then proceeds to criticize everything and everybody. This is the point where I lose what may be left of any patience and tell her that it's a wonder no one wants to be around her since she is so complimentary and such a sunshine to be around. I decided to let the kids tell her the big news because I really didn't care anymore. She faked some happiness but was transparent. Oh no - now she'll have to kiss my ass as much as she kisses the ex's ass. How will she manage all that ass kissing in one lifetime? Her favorite thing to say regarding the ex is "Jennifer (always full name with her), she is the mother of my grandchildren". I'm sure it kills her to elevate me to that status.

As for hubbie, he got super drunk with the neighbors on Saturday. This led him to think it was a good idea to make fun of me and call me "hot" when I came out wearing polor fleece stretchy pants and an ugly yellow t-shirt. Making fun of pregnant wife in front of neighbors - not something I would advise a man to do.

And my stepkids? Love them but 2 out of 3 had strep throat this weekend. Has anyone ever taught these kids to cover there mouth when they cough? I'm feeling scratchy and I am not happy about it.

I swore that I'd be a super happy pregnant woman and I'd be so grateful. Grateful I am, although I can't speak for happy somedays. Hopefully the second trimester will bring better days.

p.s. - thanks for the advice on the last post. I already drink a ton of water and eat lots of fruit so I've added prune juice (gross), dried apricots and the highest fiber cereal I could find to my diet. So far, not much improvement. I'd like to know where poop goes when you don't poop? That's a rhetorical question.

Metamucil is not my friend

2006-09-22T18:17:00.000-04:00

If the title wasn't warning enough, this is not a pretty post.

How could one tiny tablespoon of Metamucil cause me to lose 4lbs in 36hrs?

Within minutes of drinking it, my stomach started to sound like a sink drain does when you put drain cleaner down it. I thought "wow, this stuff is working fast". Thirty minutes later I was curled up in a ball of cramps. One hour later my bathroom looked like a combo of the laxative/bathroom scene from Dumb-and-Dumber and the casteroil/pie eating scene from Stand-by-Me. Even if you haven't seen the movies, I think you get the point. I had no idea that the contents of my stomach would be as empty as the contents of my bowels. It is quite possibly the worst I have ever felt in my life.

Either I am allergic to it or it simply does something odd to my body that it doesn't do to the rest of the population. I even tried Dr.Google but I couldn't come up with a similar story. That's why I decided to leave the proper spelling. Just in case some other poor soul goes through the same and thinks they are the only one.

Note - I know of several people (my Grandma included) that swear by the stuff. I also know of fellow pg IF'ers that take it with no problem. I really would be interested in understanding my reaction to it but let's just say there won't be any further user testing. The culprit has been banished to the garbage just like everything else in my body (except the fetus who I think managed to hang on).

p.s. - for anybody that wants more info on fish oil, check out the Fish Oil Blog.

Any advice for dealing with constipation is welcome.

If I need assvice, I'll ask for it.

2006-09-20T21:30:00.000-04:00

I am 11 weeks now so I've started telling close friends, because knowing these sensitive SOB's, they'll be pissed if I wait to tell them at the same time as the rest of the world. I went for lunch with one very pro-breast feeding (militant about it) male friend and another friend who found breast feeding to be a miserable experience. They spent the lunch hour arguing over whether or not I should breast feed. At what point is this up for public debate? I think I'll do what I want thank you very much (which if your interested, is to give it my best effort but not beat myself up if it doesn't work). Once I had calmed them down, the next arguement was over the virtue's of a baby swing. Spare me people, please!

We then met with a friend of my husband and his wife. She is 27yrs old - no children. After making the mistake of saying that I've been too sick to work out since about week 6, I got a lecture on how this is the most important time to work out - and which exercises are safe. WTF? Flipping through a Fit Pregnancy at your dentist office doesn't make you an expert. She also advised me that taking 15 min to workout while the baby sleeps will help me get my body back. I love assvice from a woman in her 20's that hasn't even started TTC. To make sure she pissed me off (or to allow me to belabour my bully point from Friday's post), she then went on to say that after they have one child, her hubbie's having the snip/snip. He protested that there was no damn way he was doing it but she went into a rant on how she's taken care of birthcontrol up to this point and damn right he's having it done. In fact, she'd like it done while she's pregnant with the first so there is no chance of an accident. Wow, that's confidence (or stupidity). I hope we don't have to counsel them on reversals/IVF someday (and yes, they know everything we've been through).

I've quickly learned not mention anything new I might be doing. I'm taking fishoil with DHA which can aid with the fetus's brain development. Apparently this means that I think my friends children are stupid because they didn't take fish oil. Hmmm, wasn't expecting that reaction. Also, anyone that hasn't heard of diclecton instantly thinks of "thalidomide" (which causes serve birth defects). That shit hasn't been given to pg women in over 40 years. If one more of them asks "are you taking a prenatal?" I'll scream. Yes, for three years now. I wish fertiles would stop insulting my intelligence.

It goes on and on and on and on. I didn't realize that pregnancy/parenting meant that everybody who's ever known you has a damn opinion. I'm glad that Mony has still invited me to the party cause I'm not sure I'm ready, or ever will be, for the fertile world.

Tagged - 4 Words

2006-09-18T17:10:00.000-04:00

I've been tagged by Jamie. Maybe she is trying to save me from my own controversy? Honestly though, I do really appreciate your comments. I am happy to see that we are all close enough that you don't feel like you have to agree with everything I say. That is true friendship.

I am supposed to respond with my feelings to these four words (good thing vasectomy wasn't one of them). Here goes....

1. Trust is so important to my marriage. My husband and I have NO skeletons in our closet. He has told me everything from his past. Neither his ex-wife/ family or friends has ever said anything to me that I didn't already know, in fact I could probably shock them if I wanted to. I also have no secrets from my husband. That includes my "I don't tell anybody this" secret and the horrible nickname some little bastards gave me in grade 9.

2. Orange. I like orange flavored things the best. Hard candies, jubejubes, jello, gum. It's not that I love oranges that much, but orange flavored stuff rocks. Remember that orange drink crap you used to get a McDonalds? I'd kill for some right now.

3. Designer. Not my style at all. I come from a thrifty Scottish family where I was happy just to have something new. The bonus to living in a small town is that designer means Snapon, not Ralph Lauren. I do feel like a bit of a clod when I go to Toronto but I get over it quickly. Sure, I like something that is nicely tailored and fits well but I'm the last person you'll ever see carrying a $1000 purse. I'll always have somewhere better to spend my money.

4. Spice. The older I get, the more spice I can handle. My husband/FIL will eat spicy food until they sweat but Thai food is usually my limit (and I don't order the stuff with the flame beside it). Funny, why did this word instantly make me think of the spice girls? No, I didn't like them either.

I'll tag some folks that might need the distraction:
Nina
Sunny Jenny
Serenity
Smarshy(cause this might be his first tag - I'm wrong, it isn't - boohoo, I'm not his first)

My words for you are:
Hope
In-Laws (is that two words?)
Sports
Bush (so curious to see which way you use this word)

The V-word

2006-09-15T19:20:00.000-04:00

This post has been coming for a while and I've finally been driven enough to write it. A few weeks ago I was reading Tertia's blog and she mentioned that her husband doesn't want any more children. This lead to several unsolicited comments that he should have a vasectomy. I responded twice and came close to starting a battle in her comments so I left it alone. I thought I'd come back to my blog to spout my opinion.

Here are a few reasons why I don't think a vasectomy is a good idea...

1. A man's fertility is not limited by age. It can be reduced by age but it is rarely limited by age. Unlike a woman's fertility, that is limited by age.

2. Your marriage might end in divorce and you might want to start a new family. One in which you see your children more often than every other weekend. I am sure my husband didn't picture being kicked out of his house when he had his vasectomy at the young age of 30.

3. The reason some men get a vasectomy is because their WIFE is done having children and they are bullied into it by her, family and friends. You can leave a million comments telling me your husband wanted a vasectomy, that is fine. I said "some men", not all men.

Most women hate my arguments. If they leave there husband or there husband leaves them, they don't want him to have more kids anyway. When my husband told me he had a vasectomy (2mnths into dating) I considered breaking off the relationship. I am sure his ex would have loved that but a vasectomy isn't supposed to be about revenge.

My husbands ex-wife had a tubal right after there divorce. It was her who was done having children, not him. But of course, he fell for the common arguments that I saw in Tertia's comment section:
- it's his turn, I had the babies
- it's a 10 min snip snip for the man vs major surgery for a tubal
- it's so easy, just go to your GP and take a weekend off work

That's the problem. Vasectomy's are too damn easy. I would like to see a bit more education from the GP before he is so quick to grab the scissors. My husband was told that they are expensive to reverse. That's it. Nothing about the possibility of freezing sperm or the shitty success rates of reversals. My husbands reversal was considered to be a success despite the fact that his sperm is totally useless with out ICSI.

I recently spoke with a cousin of my husbands who wants her 52yr old husband to have a vasectomy. She had all the standard arguments I listed above. He has 2 children in their 20's (first marriage) and 2 toddlers with his current wife. She admitted to me that their marriage is very rocky and could end in divorce. He is smart enough to realize this and to know that if they separated he may want to have more children. After speaking with me, like it or not, I think she is a bit more understanding that he really is making the right decision because he is not 100% sure that he will NEVER want to have children again. She is 43yrs old with two toddlers. She is 100% positive that she is done having children. Yet, so many would still argue that he should have the vasectomy because it's the least a man can do.

On the other hand, I have another friend who is 34. Her husband is 52 and has a 20yr old (first marriage) and 2 young children with my friend. He had a vasectomy because he is 100% sure that he is done having children. He also didn't think that at my friends age, it was fair to ask her to have a tubal. That is a case where I think a vasectomy was a good idea. It was the husbands decision and it was well thought out with all possibilities including divorce and death.

Anytime someone mentions there husband having a vasectomy, I cringe. It is much to easy for a man to sterilize himself (with a little help from the GP of course). With a 50% divorce rate, it is quite often a mistake they live to regret.

Update....
Very interesting comments from my girl Fly. I am not offended, I expected this would be a controversial post (although it's purpose was not to offend but to show a different point of view). I want to clear a few things up. I am not advocating that women should have tubals instead of men having vasectomies. What I do believe is that the person that is 100% finished with fertility should be the one to do the permanent operation (if something permanent is what you want to do). If both partners are 100% done with fertility, then yes, I think a vasectomy is appropriate. I don't think a man should have a vasectomy simply because it's the easy thing to do and I think alot more education from the GP is required. I do stand behind my comments about bullying because I've seen it - it doesn't happen in all cases, but it does happen in some.

Rockstar GTA?

2006-09-13T21:19:00.000-04:00

For anybody in a different time zone, I apologize.

Without finishing my 100 things list, here's two things about me....

I am a reality tv fan (although I'm choosy, no Big Brother or Dancing with the Stars for me).

I am very proud of being Canadian.

Not only have both Rockstar winners (INXS and Supernova) been Canadian but they have both lived only about an hour from me in the Greater Toronto Area. Lucas Rossi is from Toronto and JD Fortune lived in Oakville (although he's from the east coast).

They really should save themselves the time and just come to Ontario cause the whole damn world should know by now that we rock the hardest.

If you think I'm a little too excited it is because I've seen Lucas perform twice at a bar I used to work at (oh, about 12-13 years ago) so I kinda feel like it's a buddy who's won.

A post that has nothing to do with infertility or pregnancy. It does happen every once and a while. I promise you, I won't turn this into a reality tv blog. I don't have cable so I'm limited by my bunny ears (sad but true).

What a good man

2006-09-11T22:08:00.000-04:00

Reading Beth's post about himself reminded me that I had a half written post about my hubbie sitting in draft mode.

I often joke that marrying a man who has been through a divorce is like getting a dog from the pound. Sure, he's not a puppy but somebody's already house broken him. I am reaping the benefits of a man that has been through 3 pregnancies before. I thought that it would make me sad but it doesn't. This time (unlike infertility) he gets it.

Anytime I really don't feel well, he sleeps on the couch. Without asking. Without complaining.

We have had sex twice since the transfer. No asking, no complaining. (edit - make that three times, I was frisky this morning).

We have gone from eating my homemade yummy's to store boughten frozen crap. He understands and eats it downstairs when I am too sick to deal with the smell.

I won't get into the specifics of my mood swings but sometimes I am sure he fears for his life. Sometimes I cry, but most the time I yell at him for things that aren't his fault. I usually try to end it in "I'm just cranky" so he knows it's not his fault. He usually laughs and says "really, I didn't notice".

I had told him that he better act like I am the first woman on the planet to be pregnant but I was wrong. I am glad he has some experience. Maybe being a second wife isn't so bad after all?

p.s. - I found your comments on my last post very interesting. They are always two sides to every story and I liked hearing your side (which ever you are on).

Edit - I almost forgot his case of extreme sympathy. After spending the entire labour day weekend with me, he was sick on Monday. Nausea, excessive saliva and dry heaves. This came and went with no apparent reason so I think he was having some sympathy symptoms. I'll draw the line at him looking pregnant.

The Waiting Room

2006-09-06T18:30:00.000-04:00

As fellow infertiles, I feel we owe each other a certian amount of respect. Respect which I found missing when I went for my scan last week. I walked into my clinic and was slammed into by an irate 2 yr old.

In order to not offend, I must set the scene.... My clinic is a hospital, with many waiting rooms. There is a waiting room right outside the elevator as the REI department is only half of the 9th floor. Due to some odd timing, I had to bring my 3 SK's to my transfer (they thought I was seeing an eye specialist) and left them in the room outside of the elevator. Granted, they are old enough to do that with.

Over the last year I have seen children being brought directly into the REI waiting room several times. Depending on the situation, I have varying views.

When it is a woman alone with a child/ren, I feel empathy for her. My first thought is that she wasn't able to find a sitter and is probably uncomfortable bringing her child here.

I have seen several husband/wives in the waiting room with a child. This kinda bugs me, more or less because of the set up at my clinic. The husband could wait with the child in the initial waiting room and come in when it's time for the appointment.

Before last week,the worst I had ever seen was a woman who came in with her friend - both of them with toddlers in tow. Leave your damn friend, her kid and your kid in a different waiting room. These kids were absolute tyrants, throwing a fit the entire time. I didn't think it could get worse....

But it did. Thursday's incident was a husband/wife combo. The mother of the worlds unhappiest child did not apologize for me being almost knocked over. She tried to console the child by asking "do you want mommy to give you some milk, do you want mommy to do this, that or the other effing thing". She could not have used the word "mommy" any louder or more often if she wanted too. Everyone in the room was rolling there eye's and shooting dirty looks there way.

I then had the pleasure of being in line for a scan after this woman. She was so busy dicking around with her screaming toddler (constantly asking what he wanted mommy to do) that she didn't notice the change room had opened up and it was her turn. She took off for a walk with the hellraiser and left her husband sitting there. The nurse came out and looked annoyed at me for not being ready in the change room. I said "I think his wife is first but I don't know where she went" (loud enough for him to hear). He had to go gather his wife and she had to haul ass because there were now 2 RE's and a nurse standing around waiting for her. Now for the WORST part...her husband did not join her for the scan. Why the fuck did that screaming child need to be there if her husband was going to stay in the waiting room anyway??????

I was disgusted. My husband gave me that "please don't say something and embarrass me look". It is only out of respect for my husband that I kept my mouth shut.

I understand wanting your husband to be involved. Mine came to all but one appointment. If you and your husband are going to bring your child/ren into the waiting room, he damn well better be going into the appointment with you.

p.s. - one of my blog friends is dealing with the possibility of having to take her children to her appointments. This is in no way directed at you. I know you will treat the situation with respect.

Hey lady, nice sac

2006-08-31T19:23:00.000-04:00

It is one. Thankfully. I was getting a little nervous about the possibility of all three sticking.

I am 8weeks, 2 days. The due date is April 13 (*please see below).

I have a picture but it is so blurry on the scanned version that it's not worth posting. You've seen them before, a blob inside of a blob. We got to see the heartbeat and that was the most important thing for us.

My RE has given us the boot. Don't come round here no more unless it's with baby pictures. Back to the humdrum of the everyday uncaring medical community.

For those that have given me some nausea advice, let me reassure you that I have taken the advice and I am doing everything I can. I am wearing the lovely acupuncture bracelets which is quite an fashion statement for the office. I am also taking diclectin, which if you read Manuela, you already know that it is one of the most tested drugs on the market. My appetite comes in waves. Sometimes I can eat, so I do. Other times it feels like somebody is squeezing my guts inside out and it's all I can do to get down my prenatal vitamin. The RE seemed to be happy when I told him I feel like crap 24/7, at least he admitted to being a sadistic bugger.

Please send your love and prayers to Sweden. Nina is one of my first and closest cycle sisters. Her news breaks my heart. I'd do anything to take away her pain.

Updated to say...
Thanks to Lut for letting my know why my RSS feed isn't working, I'll fix that asap

* Again, please don't take this as over confidence. My guilt is working on overdrive right now because of so much sadness in blog land. All I can do is hope and pray we make it that far. That's all any of us can do.

Liar Liar

2006-08-29T18:17:00.000-04:00

I am so tired of lying.

I told very few people about our IVF cycle. We bailed on friends without giving them a very good excuse. When I walked around the office wincing from the weight of my huge ovaries, I lied about a kidney infection.

Now that I've seen the pink lines, a whole new set of lies.

We haven't told the SK's yet, but they must think something is up. They heard me puke and they know that Jenny does NOT puke. I would typically O.D. on gravol before I would allow anything that went in my mouth to come back out of it.

When my MIL came over with her favorite Portuguese beef/pork dish and I passed on it, she just about had a nervous breakdown. My response was a deep voiced "I don't want the god damn el catra and we aren't going to talk about it". This shut her up but left her deeply offended (not that I really care).

I bailed on my dad this weekend, citing a cold. Thankfully he doesn't dish out the same guilt and just said "hope you are feeling better honey".

Apparently the "flu" that I have is going around the office. Who knew that it was contagious?

I am sure you know that I posted that poll for a reason. For the people who are going to stop reading, I am so sorry. I don't want to hurt you or anybody else. Of course I feel survivor guilt. I wish that every single one of you had success at the same time as I did so we could all puke together.

I do want to keep my bitching to a minimum because right now blog world is breaking my heart. There were several other blog sisters who saw the two pink lines within a week or so of me. Two of them have miscarried. It is so fucking unfair. All of this bullshit is so unfair. Nobody should have to go through that heartache or pain. I am just so sorry.

Update from last post:

#1 - I am going to "break up" with my so-called friend. Those are not the first hurtful things he has said and I am done with his bullshit.

#2 - I really hate it when people comment anonymous. To the person that informed me about the beautiful "snowflake" organization, please don't treat me like I am stupid. I am fully aware of what a beautiful thing any type of adoption is - embyro or otherwise. What I don't like is being made to feel like a murderer if I don't give my two remaining frosties to adoption.

Open Wound

2006-08-25T17:20:00.000-04:00

Infertility is an open wound. My husband and I will never conceive naturally, that is accepted. If we want/need to try this again, it will be back to the RE for us.

I had a conversation this afternoon with a huge ASSHAT friend who does not yet know we are expecting. He announced the pregnancies of 3 mutual friends (which hurts extra because they are obviously too scared of me to tell me themselves). That I could handle. It is what he said next that I couldn't. I'll try to quote him "X and Y had a miscarriage but since it was the first, it shouldn't be as bad. Until you have a child you don't know the joy they can bring to your life so they don't know what they are missing". Uhhh, what? How the fuck do you say something like that to somebody that is infertile. I am not even going to bother dissecting it, I am sure that sounds as fucked up to you as it did to me.

Just to make sure he annoyed me, he referred to his two boys as miracle babies (twice). Boy#1 was conceived on round #1 of clomid. Boy #2 was conceived naturally. I don't mean to be all "my miracle is bigger than your miracle", but fuck - let's call a spade a spade.

I think we'll leave this friend on the avoid list.

Last night I had my first experience with an horrid IVF story line (we don't have cable, I don't watch much tv). It was a CSI episode that went a little something like this:
Desperate couple tries IVF three times without success, decides to leave frozen embryo's (yeah, cause god knows most of us would give up when we still have some frosties)
A mythical organization "saves" these frozen embryo's by arranging embryo adoptions. The manager of this organization refers to the moment of life as being sperm meeting egg and insinuates that leaving frozen embryo's is akin to murder.
Mother of desperate IVF woman kills the woman who adopts the embryo so her daughter can have "her" baby back.
What is not wrong with that story line? Hearing the words "desperate" and "IVF" in the same sentence is like nails on a chalk board.

I am not sure there is anyone who hasn't been through IVF that can talk about it eloquently. I think I'll stick to my blog friends. I am not ready to venture into the fertile world. I am not sure I ever will be.

This and That

2006-08-22T20:33:00.000-04:00

I need to record a few things before my memory goes to shit. It's not meant as assvice but take it as you will.
Transfer Day
no socks
no bed rest
acupuncture before and after transfer

Two Week Wait
Tightness in the uterus began about 3 days after transfer
Night Sweats (just like failed cycle)
Sore Boobs (just like failed cycle)
Cramping and PMS bitchiness started about 12 days past transfer
No spotting (unlike failed cycle)

Now
Nausea
Freaky looking big nipples
Mild cramping
Physically exhausted
Super spider smell
Basically feel like a douche bag

We've had my hubbie's kids for a week and now I am off with them this week. I apologize for my absence, I can't stay up past 9 right now which means I don't have a hope in hell of beating my two teenage SD's off the computer while instant messaging their boyfriends.

The few people we had told about the IVF cycle have been very happy for us. The first trimester ends on our first wedding anniversay, October 1st. I couldn't ask for a better gift. It will be interesting to see the different reactions from our families. For me, it will be the first grandchild for my parents so there will be nothing but excitement. On hubbies side, I'll be interested to know what is said when we aren't in the room. We can't wait to tell his kids. We are trying to come up with a fun way to tell them but haven't thought of anything decent - any ideas?

Wet Panties and Rice Krispies

2006-08-15T18:22:00.000-04:00

I bet that got your attention. What am I talking about? My symptoms so far. The only one that does not feel like PMS (crampy, bitchy and sore boobs) is the excessive vaginal wetness. I've had to switch to a heavy duty cotton panty and even that isn't doing the trick. I'm going to start leaving stains when I sit down. As for the rice krispies, well, I seem to be in love with them. I was given one yesterday and now the obsession has begun. It was either the best damn rice krispie I've ever had or they taste better with hormones racing through your body.

When I posted this the day before my positive, I really didn't think the FET had worked. Up until the time the nurse said congrats, I was convinced it was negative. The earliest signs of pregnancy do (for me) feel like PMS. The nurse actually almost started crying over my excitement. Apparently I am the first person she has ever told that had no idea - she said everybody POAS by day 16. I guess everybody but me.

In my last post, you might have noticed I said the word "pregnant". Please don't take that as a sign of smugness. I am scared as hell. I've spent enough time on the vas-reversal boards to know better than to think I've got it easy because we are MF. But, like Meg, I figure that I'll be crushed if this doesn't work out no matter what terms or phrases I use at this point.

I would love to give you a picture of the pee stick but my digital was ruined on our camping trip. I was kinda sorta hoping for one for my b-day but got the ipod instead. That's o.k. The parents and in-laws coughed up enough cash in the cards that I should be able to get something decent soon.

p.s. - if the cap should fall off your pee stick, run, run very fast and hope the smell doesn't find you.

31 years ago

2006-08-12T19:25:00.000-04:00

I was born.

I tried to scan a baby picture (because really, you'll shit your pants when you see what a cute baby I was) but I didn't have any luck.

This has been a perfect day. It started off with a happy birthday bum rub (without sex expectation). Hubbie and the kids got me an ipod shuffle for walking. I had my first ride on a Harley Davidson - a real nice cruiser bike, nothing scary. My giant pregnant boobs commented on by one of my husband friends. We went to see a play with my dad and brother/wife. Now we are back home, ready to cook some steaks and have some ice cream cake.

The best part of the day was the card from my husband. It was really juvenile looking with kitties playing instruments on the front. At first I was pissed figuring he forgot and had to get whatever they had at our tiny town variety store. Then I got to the inside. It said "you've got the music in you" and he had written underneath "and a whole lot more". How can I not love that man?

Lucky

2006-08-11T21:00:00.000-04:00

Four positives in one week? First Fly, than myself, Meri-ann and Meg. That has to be a record. I hope that means we've gotten August off to a good start for the rest of the cycle sista's.

I wish I had a second beta number to ease my mind. They don't do them at my clinic - boo hiss. I have to wait another 20 days for the ultrasound. That is forever right? Good news. I did the pee stick. The second line came up as soon as the pee hit it and both lines are equally as dark. Even though hubbie thought it was silly, the smile on his face when I showed him was worth it.

A few of you have asked if I think it might be multiples. My husband is convinced it twins. At this point, I am just hoping for healthy and praying it's not three.

I cannot believe how much I love you guys. Your support has been overwhelming. Where the hell did you all come from? I am going to print off those comments and that will be the first page in my baby book. When I read that some of you are starting out and have found my blog for the first time, I thought of Winnifred. She was the first blogger on my "2 pink lines" section. She gave me hope, maybe I can do the same for you?

Never happier to say "I was wrong"

2006-08-09T18:40:00.000-04:00

When I heard "congra", I burst into tears.

1295 is my day 16 beta.

My ultrasound is August 31.

I have felt like I was going to puke all morning, I thought it was nerves.

Hubbie is already making fun of me. He's been through this before. He doesn't think I should POAS just to see it. Whatever. Sometimes they just don't get it.

I just got the news moments ago. We will keep it to ourselves until the 2nd trimester. That doesn't apply to you. My heart is filled with love and graditude for your support.

I'm off to get more progesterone, and some stretchy pants. Wha?

p.s. - blogger is going to be down today - as if, don't they know that today is my special day?

Doubt It

2006-08-08T22:22:00.000-04:00

I know I really should be positive but this time I have to protect my heart.

I have PMS cramps. I've been a total PMS bitch and I put on 2lbs from yesterday to today (hello bloat gut). My boobs aren't even that sore.

I am pretty sure the progesterone is the only thing holding off my period and I'm not sure if that will last another 24hrs.

If I hear the words "good news" I'll be shocked. Not that the "bad news" bullshit won't hurt, I just won't be surprised by it.

I probably won't want to talk about this tomorrow so I'll do it today. We have decided to do another FET. There are only 2 frosties left which leaves us with crap odds, but at a cost of over $10K for the next fresh cycle, we'll take what we can get. It was a pretty easy choice when we looked at the financial end of it. I hope our RE agrees.

It's not over until the fat lady sings, but dammit, I can hear her warming up.

Fire....with fire

2006-08-06T21:45:00.000-04:00

On Saturday I met my school days best friend for lunch. My friend has two babies. One is 2 1/2, the other is 1yr old. Of course they are adorable. What is an infertile to do? Fight fire, with fire.

Step 1: Take your berner outside for a bath, chase with hose until white spot is white again
Step 2: Pack water bottles and doggy dish
Step 3: Bring giant clean good boy berner along for the day

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Not once did anybody notice the two babies. They were almost invisible. But my baby? Pleaasssseeee. People love him. He makes the world smile. He was doing girlie high barks whenever he saw other doggies but not pulling so he was on best behavior. I love my Mr.GoodBoy. Even when I have a baby, I am sure he will still be my baby. Miss Rotti was at the shop with her dad, where she would rather be. They are mommy's boy and daddy's girl for sure. Yes we treat out dog's like babies. Got a problem with that? I didn't think so.

13days past transfer. OPC has gone into "is she playing with herself?" mode. Still no signs or symptoms. Fuckity fuck, the one time in my life that I want to throw up.

Another Myth, Debunked

2006-08-03T07:15:00.000-04:00

There are a million myth's as far as infertility goes. I am sure one or two kept you going for a while. Whether you held your legs in the air, took cough syrup or propped your hips up (I did all three). There is one particular myth that was repeated to me over and over again until I believed it to be true. "It only takes one". Had I known that was not true, we would have never spent as much time ttc on our own as we did.

When we were first given our options - IVF ICSI or DS, I didn't understand why IUI wasn't an option for us. The RE didn't explain the reason to us but I've finally done enough research to figure it out.

It's doesn't "just take one good one", no matter how many well meaning old wives tell you that. Swimming sperm are like birds that fly in a V position. The lazy buggers in the back catch a tail wind and get a free ride. The difference with sperm is that the guys in the front actually die from the stress of being in the front. This continues until they get the uterus and there might only be a few 100,000 left at that point. How many of the sperm that die in the swimming process depends on the friendliness of the woman's cervical fluid and strength of the man's sperm.

It makes sense to do an IUI for a couple with low sperm count. You avoid the need to swim and therefore should have more than enough sperm alive to fertilize the egg. It also makes sense that an IUI wouldn't work for us. Our problem is not simply low count. It's low count, low quality, low morphology. What does that mean? There aren't many of them, the few that are there are mostly dead, the few alive aren't shaped correctly and they are too weak to penetrate an egg on there own. If there was one good one, it would take alot more than that.

And that's how we got here. FET #1 after failed IVF ICSI #1. 10dpt transfer. Boob mashing and OPC (obsessive panty checking) are in full gear. Still another 6 days until beta. 16 days is cruel. It's hard not to POAS with a 16 day wait. I promise I'll tell you if I do, but I doubt it. Like Mony said, I can't let go of this twisted fantasy any sooner than I have to.

Time's, they are a changing

2006-07-31T16:39:00.000-04:00

Things have changed. Hubbie seems to be getting it. You might remember this post from my first cycle. To sum it up, Hubbie thought I was being a crazy hormonal bitch and he wasn't doing a good job of being supportive. Things have changed for the better. For example, on Friday, hubbie made the grievous error of eating my left over 3-cheese penne pasta. Do not test the wrath of a woman during the 2ww2day wait. He came home to find the word "ASSHOLE" carved into the styrofoam container. His response to this event? Maybe it means your pregnant. I love this man. He is finally getting it.

I think the moment of change for him was attending an IAAC (like Resolve but in Canada) support group meeting. When he heard the other husbands laughing about hormone educed rage, he realized that I am not an evil witch - this process is the evil witch. I couldn't get him to read blogs, or books but I did get him to a meeting and it made all of the difference.

I feel like I have a partner in this now. Every morning he looks at me tentatively and asks "how are you feeling". I know he is hoping for me to say "like I am going to puke" but I don't. I can't compare this FET to the IVF so I don't know what is going on. Of course I have the sore boobs thanks to prometrium. I have the night sweats (again) which do not seem to be a symptom of prometrium but I can't imagine what else is causing it. I have some tightness in my uterus area but who knows what that means. No matter how many times I ask google, it won't tell me if I am pregnant. My transfer was a week ago and I still have 9 days until beta. I am surprisingly chill. We'll see as the week goes on.

MIL Update:
Thank you for your support regarding my evil MIL. In some ways, I feel guilty for my inability to forgive her. I know she isn't "all there". She has had a couple of minor strokes and between her sleeping pills and depression meds, she is in a constant state of stoned. She looks normal and most of the time acts normal, but she is far from it. She pulled some pretty stupid crap with Hubbie's kids this weekend so forgiveness is not on the menu anytime soon - crazy or not.

Weekend Update:
Hubbie was best man in a wedding this weekend (for the same great guy that was our best man). The entire day was fabulous. We had a great time and the distraction was welcome. The bridesmaids were doing a good job of hitting on hubbie but I assured him that it is simply a matter of me raising his stock. I have a teeny tiny jealous streak so he knew better than to disagree. My sobriety this weekend better be worth it. I hate to miss an open bar.

Amazing News Update:
If you haven't already, go see Karen at the Naked Ovary. She is a mom. I get tingly arms just thinking about it.

Updated with pics...

Hubbie is the second from the right. He cleans up pretty nice.

I cut my hair short a week ago. If I'm going to be a mom (someday) I gotta cut my hair, right?

Sticks and Stones

2006-07-27T17:03:00.000-04:00

My mother-in-law has been telling her sisters that she would prefer if her son and I do not have a child. She could have literally stabbed me in the back and it would have hurt less.

We were at a family bbq and as is typical with Hubbie's family, everybody is sitting around gossiping about each other. Mostly in Portuguese so us "munjicake" members of the family don't know we are being gossiped about. My MIL was talking to her sister and said that although I am great with children, her son already has three and she hopes we don't have any. I was sitting with one of my hubbie's cousins who was nice enough to translate (as his family does because they love to stab each other in the back).

This has nothing to do with me, my husband or his three children. I believe the comment was a reflection of my MIL's embarrassment over her son's divorce. Our marriage was bad enough. God forbid she had to tell people that her son has children with two different women. That would only add to her suffering. Can you imagine if we have to use DS? OMG, the torment that will cause her. Or maybe she would be happy since in her mind, it wouldn't be her son's child.

I am so hurt that I don't even know what to write. How could that woman think I should be denied motherhood because it might embarrass her? This is a woman who calls herself a devote catholic, a woman of god. Her opinion has nothing to do with ART because she doesn't know that we have had to go that route. She treats the "ex" like a piece of gold. She is "the mother of her grandchildren" - the holiest of all woman - should we just call her Mary while we are at it? I am sure that I am not worthy of such devotion. She wouldn't want to have to divide her ass kissing time between me and the ex, that would just be too tiring.

I am one of those people that is not easily offended but when you strike me at the core, I tend to have a pretty damn long memory. I'll be 103yrs old with no memory and still won't forget this. I really need to find a way to forgive her. I can feel this chewing away at the tiny bit of relationship I have with her.

Nobody's perfect

2006-07-24T23:03:00.000-04:00

I think the problem with my first cycle is that the embryo's were "perfect". I am far from perfect, so I probably scared the hell out of those tight ass buggers. This time we have a group of bad ass s.o.b.'s that reflect mom and dad a little better.

A little recap for anybody that is new.
IVF cycle #1 yielded eight 8 celled 3-day embryo's. Two were transferred, six were frozen. Flash forward 3 months....
Four embryo's were thawed yesterday, for transfer today. We'll call them C,D,E and F.
Cee thawed with all 8 cells intact but alot of fragmentation and hadn't started to divide any further at the time of transfer.
Dee thawed with 5 cells, 3 cells lost in the thaw. This bugger has spunk and was back up to 8 cells by transfer time.
Eeh thawed with 5 cells, 3 cells lost in the thaw. Not as spunky as Dee, this one was still at 5 cells for transfer.
Fff did what an Fff does and failed to make it through the thaw process.

We transferred Cee, Dee and Eeh. Poor Fff is swimming with the fishes. If all three stuck I would be stunned, I am not as concerned about having to make any SR decisions. At this point I think that Dee is in good shape and gives us the best chance.

Now for some bad news, my beta is even further away then I thought - August 9TH! That is a 2w2d wait. They consider the thaw day 1 and the transfer to be day 2, whereas my fresh cycle had the transfer on day 3. Are you kidding. August 9TH is a year away, at least, if not two.

And bed rest? That would have been a nice option if we didn't have hubbie's three kids this week. Lovely timing eh? The RE assured me that going about my regular day would not impact the outcome of the cycle. I know that there is alot of back and forth about bedrest. My opinion is that if you can do it, do it - it can't hurt. And if you can't, I doubt that it will be the ruin of a cycle so I'm going to (try) not stress it.

As for the two little buggers left in the freezer, I don't know what to do next (if this cycle is a bust). A fresh IVF or try a transfer with only 2 to thaw? You see, I like to get ahead of myself and worry about things I can't control. It keeps me from worrying as much about what is going on right now. I've got 16 days to worry. SIXTEEN DAYS. SIXTEEN. 16. 1-6. You little buggers better be worth waiting for.

Good to go

2006-07-22T13:23:00.000-04:00

My lining was 10.5 so we are ready to transfer 3 embryo's this Monday.

Overall, I am feeling pretty good about this cycle. My body is in it's natural state and I am hoping that makes a difference. I started 200mg of progesterone (3 times a day) this morning. I luckily just use the little round suppositories, not the nightmare crumbly bullets I've heard some of you talk about.

This whole unmedicated cycle is making more sense now. I ovulated today. My embryo's were frozen on day 3. By putting them back on Monday they are timing them at the stage they would be if I got pregnant naturally. By then, the egg I did release when I ovulated should be gone.

I am going to do acupuncture before and after the transfer. It's worth a try. It involves a hell of alot of running around but it's certainly worth it if it works.

I asked hubbie if he felt 100% about reduction if all three stuck. He said yes, but then said that of course, you don't know until you get there. That is exactly how I feel right now. I like to make sure we are on the same page every once and a while.

As always, beta is FIFTEEN days after transfer so mine will not be until August 8th. They may as well bring out the straight jacket now.